I read this from Amy Jo Goddard today and found it expressed what I have been observing, so I am going to copy from her email as she says it so well.
"I think there are three top reasons why people get stuck sexually and things stay the same. When they get stuck, they think nothing will ever change and that their sex life is doomed to be as it is for the rest of their lives. That often results in a lot frustration, resentment and anger. And yet, it’s totally changeable for all of us.
One: They wait for someone (or something) else and don’t take the bull by the horns.
So many people who are in long-term relationships that are sexually numb or dead and they keep waiting for their partner to do something or change something. Or they are waiting til the kids are grown or til they finish that advanced degree or whatever other excuse they find for why they can’t do anything about it right now.
If you have followed me for long, you know I don’t believe in waiting. I’ve lost friends and loved ones suddenly, and I’ve personally been reminded over and over just how fragile life is. I’ll bet you’ve had those experiences as well. The truth is that all we have is today, right now, this moment. If your life is not as you want it now, then do something now.
Stop waiting for someone else to fix it or to save you. Stop waiting on outside forces because they will keep you stuck over and over if you give them that power.
And if you are making up excuses so you don’t have to take responsibility, then I hope you’ll at least be honest with yourself about that; and then you have a choice to make. You can keep up the excuses not to make the change or you can do something NOW—even if your partner isn’t interested, even if you think it will be challenging to do your school work and address your sexuality at the same time, and even if it will make you look at your relationship in a different way. I hope you’ll choose the latter because there is nothing more empowering than deciding you are going to change your life and doing it. I’ve done it many times and those moments made me who I am.
Two: Ego gets in the way and they don’t think they need to do anything to change.
The second reason people’s sex lives don’t change is that they think they don’t need to change. They don’t listen to their partner’s concerns. Maybe they think it’s the other person’s fault and are unwilling to do the work. Maybe their ego gets a little bruised thinking that they should do something new sexually and so they dig in their heels and decide they won’t—it’s not my fault. (That serves absolutely no one.)
A lot of the time the people who get stuck in their ego are there, in part, because they’ve believed the cultural myth that sexuality comes naturally and they must be a natural at it. Therefore, they need to do absolutely nothing to make it better. This is the most harmful myth there is about sex and sexuality. We ALL need sex education, we all need skills and information and we all need to be open if we want to have the most fulfilling sexual lives.
If you’ve gotten stuck here, lay down your armour. Listen more and talk less. Ask yourself what it gets you to deny that there might be new things to learn about sexuality. Because sexuality is vast and you can continue developing and learning for your whole life, if you choose to. I definitely have, and it’s been incredibly fulfilling. I want to keep learning.
Three: They don’t know how to change.
The third reason is that people just don’t know how to change or where to get the support they know they need. So they stay quiet, sexually frustrated or even angry and do nothing.
This is the easiest one to break through because all you need to do is find resources. We have this thing called the internet now and it helps you find what you need. And friends help connect us to the resources we need. There are sexuality resources to meet everyone’s needs whether you want to be more empowered sexually, want to develop certain skill sets, need your needs around disability or health to be included, want to learn to talk to your kids about sex, want to bring more sexy back to your relationship, or want to have a new sexual adventure. Truly, all of the resources you want exist"
What did you think of what Amy Jo had to say? I have experienced some of these and seen this in people I have met, waiting for someone else to do the work, maybe it all seems to hard or maybe they think it is the other person's issue and finally they don't know what to do or where to start. This is where a sexologist can help, they can provide resources and education, they can support the person to make the changes required and help the people involved to work as a team, a person can work on their issues alone but for a better outcome it takes all the people engaged in the sexual relationship to work together and support each other towards change.
Richelle has had a passion for sexuality and sexual health since 2001. She has worked in the field since 2006, providing sexuality education in schools, and adult education in the topics of diverse sexualities and gender identities, LGBT health issues, sexual health and LGBT relationships.
This is a space for me to share with you my journey as a Sexologist, the things I learn and the people I meet and what I think and feel along the way.