The theme for IWD 2025, March Forward is the theme of my life and of many women before me.
 
In 1961 I was born 4 weeks premi and was very unwell, it tool several weeks to work out what was wrong ( 2 bad kidneys that were killing me) and then several more to get me back to birth weight for surgery, at 3 months of age I had a double nephrectomy and I figuratively ……marched forward.
 
I had a pretty uneventful primary school years, moving several times as my father, a Captain in the army, was moved around. In 1970 my father left, only to be seen sporadically for the next few decades until his death. Leaving my mother with 2 kids, a year 9 education and no government payments at the time for single mothers (Dad never paid child support)…..but we marched forward.
 
We moved back to Mum’s hometown, where she still lives at 89, so she would have some family support. Highschool was interesting, I was the weird kid with no Dad, quiet until you got to know me, teased for being small, wearing glasses , loving theatre….but I marched to a different drum and I marched forward.
 
Fast forward to the end of highschool, a new romance had me swept off my feet and university beckoned. A year after leaving school I was married at the rip old age of 19, a babies quickly followed at 20, 22 and 26. But it was not a happy marriage, it was marked with domestic violence. He was in the army, joined when our first child was 6 weeks old, him being away was a blessing, a time of no abuse. But I told no one, people knew of course, the bruises were hard to hide, but nobody said a thing until many years later.
 
He finally left the army after a nasty bike accident, which increased the abuse with an TBI, and we moved to QLD in 1993. After the accident the abuse got a lot worse, there was no warning to the attacks and finally after lots of counselling I felt strong enough to leave, the abuse got worse with stalking, kidnapping and being held against my will…..I marched forward
 
I grew stronger and one day as I stood up for myself over the phone, he backed down, it was a turning point. I had started some distance learning to get into my own business. I had been a nanny/housekeeper for several years and the kids were off to school, so I started 2nd Wives Club Home Services, a housekeeping business, where as one client said, it was like having her own wife, I put away her undies and bought her tampons….I really started to march forward.
 
Approaching 40 I had a renewed sense of who I was, I revisited the 17  year old with big dreams that I had been before meeting my ex husband and I promised her I would live those dreams.
First step was to unpack my abuse and group therapy was illuminating, at the end I realised  that I was attracted to women and not only marched forward I ran.
 
Coming out was an awakening of who I was always meant to be, I found community, became an activist, went to uni and I blossomed. I had amazing relationships, not all ending well but I grew and learnt so much more about myself. Over the next 20 years I gained 3 degrees, eventually had a state wide role at the QLD AIDS Council that was my dream job and fought a 9.5 year anti discrimination case with a local gun owning council member who had a sticker on his car stating that the only rights gays had was the right to die. We won, we set a precedent and ensured constitutional law was embedded. Community advocacy marching forward
 
During this time I also navigated menopause, now that was something, even as a sexologist who had loads of research to back me up I struggled to get medical professionals to listen to me, until one day someone decided to refer me to a specialists and what I had known was confirmed, I needed testosterone as mine was 0. Self advocacy 101, marching forward.
 
And then……the end of a relationship meant once again I was being stalked, but as technology had evolved it was now online as well….hello CPTSD…..marching slowed right down.
 
A new love in another state meant a leap of faith, a move away from the trauma, a fresh start, I was taking back my power and marching forward again….little did I know I had jumped int the fire….covert narcissist, attractive, charming, generous and at the time a balm to my CPTSD affected soul. 
For 4 years life was amazing, overseas travels, something I had dreamed of as that 17 year old, new friends, lots of adventures…then lockdown…burnout…and when I was trying to give from an empty cup I was discarded in a new state in lockdown with only a suitcase as everything I owned was still back in the other state…..I hit rock bottom. I had been suicidal in the past but it was always about escaping the abuse and the pain, this was different, this was a deep hopelessness, but I was not going back there….I pulled myself together and I marched forward.
 
I found a job, a share house, then a housesit, while I waited to save enough to get my thing sent over…I marched forward, baby steps at first but then a run
 
I found a little old flat, all I could afford, made new friends and reconnected with old ones and eventually a 20 year friendship became more. Just as I was revelling in a new love I was diagnosed with breast cancer….time to regroup and then march forward
 
Advocacy 101 ramped up…medical professionals once more would not listen, by now I am 60 years old, they treat my like I know nothing…guess what I know my body……my body my choice, I march forward and get my double mastectomy to flat
 
It is now 2.5 years ago I had surgery, I moved back to QLD to be closer to my kids and grandies. I advocate for flat as a viable surgery options, I volunteer with BCNA and Breastscreen as a consumer rep, I work as a D&I Advisor to a DV service working with perpetrators and as a sexologist.
 
Cancer treatment has left me with some issues but I am back where I love to be, I have an amazing partner and am closer to family and I continue to march forward.
 

We often hear people say its important to show appreciation and feel grateful, and it is a great tool to shift from a negative mindset but sometimes it can be very difficult. And what are the differences between to the two terms we often see interchanged.
Gratitude (noun)
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness
Gratitude is defined as thankfulness for benefits received.  It also demonstrates gratefulness or contentment with a person or a thing for what they add to your life.  For example, you can have gratitude for something that makes things better.  Alternatively, you can be thankful for a situation that has been removed or eradicated to make things satisfactory and your discomfort removed. Gratitude is a broad way to count your blessings without being overly specific concerning a person and single act you’re thankful for.
Gratitude is something you feel thankful for within yourself.  It is more circumstantial or situational and is a result of inner satisfaction. 
Appreciation (noun)
recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something: showing gratitude
Appreciation is enjoyment and recognition given to someone or something for the positive benefits that came out of a situation.  In addition, it is having a complete understanding of the worth or value of something.  For example, you can express your appreciation to someone for helping you move some heavy pieces of furniture.  Because you realize that without them, you could not have gotten it done.
Appreciation is something that you extend to others and it benefits our relationships.
Gratitude is something we can try to learn to live in a state of every day… while appreciation gives others specific recognition for their part in your happiness or success.
Gratitude is the soil that appreciation is sown into and grows out of.  There is no appreciation shown to a person without first being grateful for them and how they add value to our lives.
There is no genuine appreciation without gratitude. So the two really do go hand in hand.
I remember, many years ago, being told by a counsellor to keep a gratitude journal and write down 3 things every day I was grateful for. I bought a small book and then sat there trying to think what I was grateful for, it was hard. I was in a place that was very psychologically dark, a dark and deep hole was how I described it, and I didn’t know how to get out or even how to see some light.
Years later I came across that little book. My first entry was “I woke up”. Each day for a couple of weeks there was just one entry, often the same thing…today it was sunny….today I had a nice lunch…etc. Then I started to find a couple of things each day, I tried to make sure I didn’t repeat myself for several days and then it began to flow, and with that I saw some sunshine there was light and the hole was less deep.
Along with the gratitude journal I also started some positive affirmations. Once again it was hard, I started with “I am happy and healthy” I was actually neither, but I persisted. Over time I became healthier and happier, then I added “I am strong and successful”, in time that became a reality as well. Over time I added new affirmations, “I feel peace, I feel joy” then “Good things happen to me” and finally “I love and am loved”. From time to time another might be added regarding something that was going on in my life “I do well in my studies” or “the perfect home is waiting for me”, the last included me visualizing the home by the beach in the town where I now live.
By starting with gratitude and my little journal I was then able visualize how I wanted to be, what I wanted in my life and to eventually appreciate what and who was around me…..and express it in ways that those close to me understood how special they were and how much it meant to have them in my world
Appreciation is something that goes hand in hand with gratitude, it can be showing gratitude for what we appreciate, and it can be showing appreciation to others for the things related to them that we are grateful for.
We often silently have gratitude and appreciate certain things in our lives but do we tell those people?
So I invite you to cultivate gratitude and show appreciation to those around you, it can certainly improve our relationships in many ways.

Sensuality is something that many people do not consider, we hear about sex and intimacy but little about sensuality.

Since the start of COVID19 I have been busy learning about who is my niche client and putting my business online, it has been eye opening to say the least. So what did I learn, you may well ask? I have learnt that I am IT challenged, no new news there.

I learnt that I want to work with women in business, professionals, leaders, entrepreneurs....midlife successful women.....women with competing responsibilities: career, business, employees, clients; family, children, ageing parents, partners; friends, acquaintances, social connections.....and very little time for her. You can find out if this is you by completing the Sensual Self Quiz at the bottom of the page



This woman has lost the joy, passion, intimacy and sensuality from her life. She is tired, from the aforementioned responsibilities and the changes her body is going through: ageing, hormones, stress, possibly health issues, to name a few. Is this you?

She is ready to make a commitment to herself, to spend the time, energy and money on her, on exploring her sensual potential, increasing her sexual well-being, and improving her erotic experiences.

Complete the Sensual Self Quiz below to see how you rate.

Once completed you will know if you are a candidate for the exclusive Sensual Self Journey I am launching in July

More often than not we are told that desire should be spontaneous, we should be wanting to be sexual with very little encouragement. And maybe in the beginning of a relationship we don't need much encouragement, we cant wait to get our hands, and other body parts on each other...... the honeymoon stage.

But what about a few years down the track, or for some people even a few months, we are busy with work, kids, family, hobbies, sports, stressed, tired, lack time or motivation. We still love this person, we still find them attractive but gee...when was the last time we got sexual together?

Once the initial lust and limerance fades which can be 3 -12 months or the honeymoon stage ends, which is usually around the 24-36 month mark, there is a natural decline in desire. This is when most people go back to their usual desire levels, this can be going from every day, to once every few weeks or months for some people. And it can be very distressing for the person who has a lower desire level and for their partner. Now if both people are OK with the change and they have a similar desire level then there is no problem, but when one or the other has a different need for sexual activity and all it brings (so much more than just a physical release), then there can be concern. The partner who has the higher desire level can feel unattractive to their partner, and the one with the lower level may feel guilty or pursued, leading both to be unhappy about the situation.

The fact is only about 25% or people who identify as female and 50% or those who identify as male actually continue to have spontaneous desire. The overwhelming majority have responsive desire (75% female identified and 50% male identified). As can be seen from the diagram there are a range of things that people may respond to: emotional intimacy, sexual stimuli and sexual arousal, these lead on to arousal and sexual desire and then emotional and physical satisfaction which finally brings people back to emotional intimacy.

For those who have responsive desire they need something to respond to, a stimuli.....an emotional connection, something sexual like an image or an arousing thought or actual physical stimulation. As human beings we all have a sexual flame....some people require more fuel to ignite it than others and some find it dampens quickly.

If we think back to the early days with our partner, we are in a state of NRE (New Relationship Energy), we are excited to see them, we run on less sleep, everything is shiny and new. We are experiencing lust and limerance (an emotion often mistaken for love, keeps us coming back for emotional connection and intimacy until it morphs into deep love). Our desire is spontaneous.....or is it? Yes we desire them when we are together and when we are apart, but we know when we will see each other, our time together is planned and in the time between we build the anticipation of the meetings....so much more planned than we remember.

One of the ways to get back the passion and reignite the flame of desire is to remember what were the things that worked in the past, take the pressure off, relax and have fun. Work out what were the things that ignited desire and do more of those, and avoid the things that dampen the flame.

Be emotionally connected, you rarely want to engage sexually with someone you feel distanced from or are angry with.......Remember the person who you were first attracted to, how sexy you found them, what fired them up with passion and joy, how attracted to them were you when they were engaging in that, step back and look at your partner with fresh eyes....... For some it may be a sexual stimuli such as a sexy movie, erotic story or talking fondly and playfully about sexier times...... And sometimes getting into things, being physical, kissing, touching, massage, getting aroused, these stimuli can spark the flame, for some desire comes after physical arousal.

So as our relationships grow, our desire may wane, this is natural, but it can return, it is not the end of the relationship or your sex life.

It seems the last 3 months of the year is a time when we see many relationships ending. It may be related to numerology, where the new numerological year starts to impact from September onwards, it may be that people want to start fresh in the new year or it may be the end of year pressures cause an explosion of frustration with the way things have been in the relationship.
What ever the reason it is hard on all concerned, the person leaving and the person left. The person leaving has often mulled over the idea for a while, they may or may not have clearly communicated their dissatisfaction to their partner, they may have been very clear but their partner may have been in denial, hoping that things would get better when……happened. For many people leaving the relationship has been quite drawn out, possible some denial from them about what was going on, time of self-reflection and often the grieving for the loss of what they had hoped the relationship would be has been done before the actual ending. This can be why they may seem to move on to a new relationship quickly, they have often been out of it for quite a while.
For the person who has been left it can be a big surprise or not unexpected, it can be devastating or a blessed relief. No matter how the person left feels there will also be a grief process for them, time will be needed to grieve and heal, this can be a quick or an extremely long process depending on the depth of their hurt.
When people are hurt they can act in ways that are unexpected, even by the people who think they know them the best. People may become mean and nasty, say things they don’t really mean, behave badly, it is the hurt and anger and not the true person. This does not excuse the behaviour but can explain it, they have a choice whether they act on the thoughts and feelings they have or whether they remain loving and respectful. And it is not only the person who has been left that can react in this way, sometimes the person doing the leaving either wants to hurt as payback for other past wrongdoings or to push the other person away to validate their choices.
So, how do you remain loving and respectful when you feel like your heart has been torn from your chest and stomped all over, when your hopes and dreams for the future are now laying crumbling into dust, when you feel cheated on, lied to or disrespected?
It can be tough, it won’t be easy, but if you can remember the reasons you love this person, accept that things can change, people can change and feelings can change, and that you cannot make someone love you or want to be with you, then it can help the process along.
Respectful endings can and do happen, treating each other with respect, being honest, not laying blame and accepting personal responsibility for your role in the relationship can all contribute to a much easier time for all involved.

I often have some interesting stuff in my inbox and I would like to share this gem from Isiah McKimmie
Heads up: I’m about to bust the biggest myth I hear around relationships and intimacy.

We often have a belief that we ‘should’ just have a great relationship. Because… everyone else does, right?
I don’t need to tell you that’s not really the case.
The truth is: Great relationships are something that we learn - they’re skills.
We learn about relationships from our culture, parents and early caregivers.
What we learn as children about relationships form what we might call ‘our Relationship Blueprints’ - or ‘Attachment Style’ if you’re the science-y type.

Some of us are lucky enough to learn by seeing our parents have a healthy relationship (and if that’s you, congratulations), but honestly, most of us don’t have ideal role models when it comes to relationships!
The result of not having great role models is that you:

• Keep attracting the ‘wrong’ partners
• Continue having the same arguments over and over
• Find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship
• Feel distant or disconnected from your partner
• Or just *know that your relationship could be better

That’s because (whether they meant to or not) your culture and early care-givers taught you:

• One person is ‘in charge’ in the relationship
• Your job is to try to keep other people happy
• People can’t be trusted
• Shouting is the only way you can get a point across
• It’s not okay to share your feelings and emotions
• Or a bunch of other things that just aren’t true - or helpful.

Whatever unhealthy pattern or challenge you’re experiencing in your relationship, there’s a reason.
And let me promise you that reason isn’t because there’s something wrong with you.
You’re not broken. You’re not a lost cause.
Trust me on this, please.
Having great relationships is a skill that we learn just like anything else. Whatever our relationship status or stage of life.
What it takes is understanding what we learned in the first place and then taking steps to learn new skills.

Here’s 3 questions to help you begin to understand what you learned about relationships growing up - your ‘Relationship Blueprints’.

1. What was your parents relationship like when you were really young?
(Think about how they communicated, who made the decisions, how affectionate they were to each other.)
2. What were your relationships with your parents like growing up?
(Were you closer to one than the other? Was one (or both) of your parents absent? How did they communicate with you?)
3. What patterns do you notice when you look back on your past relationships?
(Have you had the same arguments or the same feelings in numerous relationships? Do your relationships end for the same reason? Does your current partner do something that a previous partner did that just drives you crazy?)

So a week post V Day, here are some tips from the lovely Dr Patti Britton

Whether you are a fan of the Cupid story—if you believe in the arrows of eros hitting their mark on February 14th or not—love, if not pure erotic energy, is in the air for the middle of the shortest month of the year. February is that time when fragrant pink roses, aromatic wax candles, fine Belgian chocolates, sappy red hearts, sweet silly cards, and magical expensive dinner dates abound.

Maybe it’s time for you to focus on finding romance for yourself:  Alone or with a beloved.
Here are some tips if you are single and haven’t yet met Mr/Ms/M Right yet; or if you’ve been with your partner for a few decades and want to honor that commitment and get grooving back into those warm lovin’ feelings:

1. Derive joy in the sheer fact that so many people are celebrating a whole day focused on LOVE. Find a person or any living being (maybe your cute little dog) to shower with love and treat them to something special. A Valentine’s message on their voicemail, a gif of flying doves on their smartphone, a tasty bone (for your cute little dog), a dinner at your local high-end eatery, or a double-strand diamond bracelet!
   
   
2. Love is a state of being—I often call it a verb, not a noun. It is not merely an exchange of a box of fancy gooey chocolates or a pretty ring to show affection. Find a way to express your love to yourself or at least one other person today in creative new ways that show you care. Maybe pay their health club membership for one month, treat them to a tantric workshop, take a single friend to lunch at a local café and pay for everything including parking, give to charity in the name of Love, or create your own version of a sacred ritual to show real love to your sweetie. Even doing things that cost nothing can pave the way for romance all night long. (Think, erotic vacuuming in the buff?)
   
3. According to myth, Cupid’s arrow flung from his bow as follows:
   One of the arrows that Cupid is supposed to have fired from his bow, caused the person it struck to fall in love. Where in your life have you been struck by such an arrow? Ask yourself what can you learn from that event or experience that feeds you now?
   
4. Plan on how you can create a monumental day or event of self love: Will you buy yourself a new high tech vibrator (check these out) or order a delectable Hot Chocolate Lava Cake from your favorite baker to ignite the nose, open up the tastebuds and warm your gut? Feeling sensations of pleasure throughout the body often leads to being open to shared love. Feel the gratitude for what you can give and receive.
   
   
5. As to the origins of Valentine’s Day? Hang on, you may not believe this—Google says: “A pagan fertility ritual was held in February each year and the Pope abolished this festival and proclaimed 14 February Saint Valentine's Day, thus establishing this feast day on the Catholic Calendar of Saints. The poet Chaucer in the Middle Ages was the first to link St. Valentine with romantic love.” So here’s a crazy idea; why not read aloud or listen to a version of The Canterbury Tales with your mate or with a group of friends, especially the naughty rowdy tales that were banned, such as The Miller’s Tale. Then regale yourselves with ribald laughter. A glass of bubbly will help the time pass and oil the joints of your social encounter.
   
6. Don’t fret or worry or hold a private pity party if you are alone. Many of us, myself included (sigh) feel terror about spending VD alone. Find someone who needs us, who wants to share our company, or find a place to go to honor yourself as a perfectly lovable person. New movies, new music, new wine to taste, new charitable events, whatever it is that moves you to feeling connected to the human family, do it! And thank Saint Valentine for the idea!
   

I have been absent on my website for almost 18 months, that's a long time for a small business. If you have followed me on Facebook you will have an idea of where I have been and what I have been up to.

So since June 2017 I have started and completed a research dissertation and graduated with me Masters in Sexology; I have ended and started relationships; I have had some terrible experiences and suffered PTSD; I have had some amazing experiences and rediscovered myself; I have moved states after 25 years leaving family and friends; I have left a career after 10 years in the one role and 12 years, in one way or another, with the same organisation; I have really become serious about my new career as a sexologist and am laying the foundations for the future, so I will be a lot more active on here.

Currently I have been in my new location for 7 weeks, and have done lots of networking, finding out who does what and where my skills will fit amongst others here. I have met some lovely people and am slowly getting a feel for where what I offer will compliment what is already here.

So 2018 has been a year of massive change, ups and downs, tears and laughter ....... watch this space as the journey continues into 2019.

I was recently contacted by Paloqueth to do some sex toy reviews, I had not heard of them and was a bit unsure, but agreed anyway. A couple of days ago a lovely box arrived in the mail and the reviewing has begun. To see my first product review click HERE