Sensuality is something that many people do not consider, we hear about sex and intimacy but little about sensuality.

Since the start of COVID19 I have been busy learning about who is my niche client and putting my business online, it has been eye opening to say the least. So what did I learn, you may well ask? I have learnt that I am IT challenged, no new news there.

I learnt that I want to work with women in business, professionals, leaders, entrepreneurs....midlife successful women.....women with competing responsibilities: career, business, employees, clients; family, children, ageing parents, partners; friends, acquaintances, social connections.....and very little time for her. You can find out if this is you by completing the Sensual Self Quiz at the bottom of the page



This woman has lost the joy, passion, intimacy and sensuality from her life. She is tired, from the aforementioned responsibilities and the changes her body is going through: ageing, hormones, stress, possibly health issues, to name a few. Is this you?

She is ready to make a commitment to herself, to spend the time, energy and money on her, on exploring her sensual potential, increasing her sexual well-being, and improving her erotic experiences.

Complete the Sensual Self Quiz below to see how you rate.

Once completed you will know if you are a candidate for the exclusive Sensual Self Journey I am launching in July

More often than not we are told that desire should be spontaneous, we should be wanting to be sexual with very little encouragement. And maybe in the beginning of a relationship we don't need much encouragement, we cant wait to get our hands, and other body parts on each other...... the honeymoon stage.

But what about a few years down the track, or for some people even a few months, we are busy with work, kids, family, hobbies, sports, stressed, tired, lack time or motivation. We still love this person, we still find them attractive but gee...when was the last time we got sexual together?

Once the initial lust and limerance fades which can be 3 -12 months or the honeymoon stage ends, which is usually around the 24-36 month mark, there is a natural decline in desire. This is when most people go back to their usual desire levels, this can be going from every day, to once every few weeks or months for some people. And it can be very distressing for the person who has a lower desire level and for their partner. Now if both people are OK with the change and they have a similar desire level then there is no problem, but when one or the other has a different need for sexual activity and all it brings (so much more than just a physical release), then there can be concern. The partner who has the higher desire level can feel unattractive to their partner, and the one with the lower level may feel guilty or pursued, leading both to be unhappy about the situation.

The fact is only about 25% or people who identify as female and 50% or those who identify as male actually continue to have spontaneous desire. The overwhelming majority have responsive desire (75% female identified and 50% male identified). As can be seen from the diagram there are a range of things that people may respond to: emotional intimacy, sexual stimuli and sexual arousal, these lead on to arousal and sexual desire and then emotional and physical satisfaction which finally brings people back to emotional intimacy.

For those who have responsive desire they need something to respond to, a stimuli.....an emotional connection, something sexual like an image or an arousing thought or actual physical stimulation. As human beings we all have a sexual flame....some people require more fuel to ignite it than others and some find it dampens quickly.

If we think back to the early days with our partner, we are in a state of NRE (New Relationship Energy), we are excited to see them, we run on less sleep, everything is shiny and new. We are experiencing lust and limerance (an emotion often mistaken for love, keeps us coming back for emotional connection and intimacy until it morphs into deep love). Our desire is spontaneous.....or is it? Yes we desire them when we are together and when we are apart, but we know when we will see each other, our time together is planned and in the time between we build the anticipation of the meetings....so much more planned than we remember.

One of the ways to get back the passion and reignite the flame of desire is to remember what were the things that worked in the past, take the pressure off, relax and have fun. Work out what were the things that ignited desire and do more of those, and avoid the things that dampen the flame.

Be emotionally connected, you rarely want to engage sexually with someone you feel distanced from or are angry with.......Remember the person who you were first attracted to, how sexy you found them, what fired them up with passion and joy, how attracted to them were you when they were engaging in that, step back and look at your partner with fresh eyes....... For some it may be a sexual stimuli such as a sexy movie, erotic story or talking fondly and playfully about sexier times...... And sometimes getting into things, being physical, kissing, touching, massage, getting aroused, these stimuli can spark the flame, for some desire comes after physical arousal.

So as our relationships grow, our desire may wane, this is natural, but it can return, it is not the end of the relationship or your sex life.

It seems the last 3 months of the year is a time when we see many relationships ending. It may be related to numerology, where the new numerological year starts to impact from September onwards, it may be that people want to start fresh in the new year or it may be the end of year pressures cause an explosion of frustration with the way things have been in the relationship.
What ever the reason it is hard on all concerned, the person leaving and the person left. The person leaving has often mulled over the idea for a while, they may or may not have clearly communicated their dissatisfaction to their partner, they may have been very clear but their partner may have been in denial, hoping that things would get better when……happened. For many people leaving the relationship has been quite drawn out, possible some denial from them about what was going on, time of self-reflection and often the grieving for the loss of what they had hoped the relationship would be has been done before the actual ending. This can be why they may seem to move on to a new relationship quickly, they have often been out of it for quite a while.
For the person who has been left it can be a big surprise or not unexpected, it can be devastating or a blessed relief. No matter how the person left feels there will also be a grief process for them, time will be needed to grieve and heal, this can be a quick or an extremely long process depending on the depth of their hurt.
When people are hurt they can act in ways that are unexpected, even by the people who think they know them the best. People may become mean and nasty, say things they don’t really mean, behave badly, it is the hurt and anger and not the true person. This does not excuse the behaviour but can explain it, they have a choice whether they act on the thoughts and feelings they have or whether they remain loving and respectful. And it is not only the person who has been left that can react in this way, sometimes the person doing the leaving either wants to hurt as payback for other past wrongdoings or to push the other person away to validate their choices.
So, how do you remain loving and respectful when you feel like your heart has been torn from your chest and stomped all over, when your hopes and dreams for the future are now laying crumbling into dust, when you feel cheated on, lied to or disrespected?
It can be tough, it won’t be easy, but if you can remember the reasons you love this person, accept that things can change, people can change and feelings can change, and that you cannot make someone love you or want to be with you, then it can help the process along.
Respectful endings can and do happen, treating each other with respect, being honest, not laying blame and accepting personal responsibility for your role in the relationship can all contribute to a much easier time for all involved.

I often have some interesting stuff in my inbox and I would like to share this gem from Isiah McKimmie
Heads up: I’m about to bust the biggest myth I hear around relationships and intimacy.

We often have a belief that we ‘should’ just have a great relationship. Because… everyone else does, right?
I don’t need to tell you that’s not really the case.
The truth is: Great relationships are something that we learn - they’re skills.
We learn about relationships from our culture, parents and early caregivers.
What we learn as children about relationships form what we might call ‘our Relationship Blueprints’ - or ‘Attachment Style’ if you’re the science-y type.

Some of us are lucky enough to learn by seeing our parents have a healthy relationship (and if that’s you, congratulations), but honestly, most of us don’t have ideal role models when it comes to relationships!
The result of not having great role models is that you:

• Keep attracting the ‘wrong’ partners
• Continue having the same arguments over and over
• Find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship
• Feel distant or disconnected from your partner
• Or just *know that your relationship could be better

That’s because (whether they meant to or not) your culture and early care-givers taught you:

• One person is ‘in charge’ in the relationship
• Your job is to try to keep other people happy
• People can’t be trusted
• Shouting is the only way you can get a point across
• It’s not okay to share your feelings and emotions
• Or a bunch of other things that just aren’t true - or helpful.

Whatever unhealthy pattern or challenge you’re experiencing in your relationship, there’s a reason.
And let me promise you that reason isn’t because there’s something wrong with you.
You’re not broken. You’re not a lost cause.
Trust me on this, please.
Having great relationships is a skill that we learn just like anything else. Whatever our relationship status or stage of life.
What it takes is understanding what we learned in the first place and then taking steps to learn new skills.

Here’s 3 questions to help you begin to understand what you learned about relationships growing up - your ‘Relationship Blueprints’.

1. What was your parents relationship like when you were really young?
(Think about how they communicated, who made the decisions, how affectionate they were to each other.)
2. What were your relationships with your parents like growing up?
(Were you closer to one than the other? Was one (or both) of your parents absent? How did they communicate with you?)
3. What patterns do you notice when you look back on your past relationships?
(Have you had the same arguments or the same feelings in numerous relationships? Do your relationships end for the same reason? Does your current partner do something that a previous partner did that just drives you crazy?)

So a week post V Day, here are some tips from the lovely Dr Patti Britton

Whether you are a fan of the Cupid story—if you believe in the arrows of eros hitting their mark on February 14th or not—love, if not pure erotic energy, is in the air for the middle of the shortest month of the year. February is that time when fragrant pink roses, aromatic wax candles, fine Belgian chocolates, sappy red hearts, sweet silly cards, and magical expensive dinner dates abound.

Maybe it’s time for you to focus on finding romance for yourself:  Alone or with a beloved.
Here are some tips if you are single and haven’t yet met Mr/Ms/M Right yet; or if you’ve been with your partner for a few decades and want to honor that commitment and get grooving back into those warm lovin’ feelings:

1. Derive joy in the sheer fact that so many people are celebrating a whole day focused on LOVE. Find a person or any living being (maybe your cute little dog) to shower with love and treat them to something special. A Valentine’s message on their voicemail, a gif of flying doves on their smartphone, a tasty bone (for your cute little dog), a dinner at your local high-end eatery, or a double-strand diamond bracelet!
   
   
2. Love is a state of being—I often call it a verb, not a noun. It is not merely an exchange of a box of fancy gooey chocolates or a pretty ring to show affection. Find a way to express your love to yourself or at least one other person today in creative new ways that show you care. Maybe pay their health club membership for one month, treat them to a tantric workshop, take a single friend to lunch at a local café and pay for everything including parking, give to charity in the name of Love, or create your own version of a sacred ritual to show real love to your sweetie. Even doing things that cost nothing can pave the way for romance all night long. (Think, erotic vacuuming in the buff?)
   
3. According to myth, Cupid’s arrow flung from his bow as follows:
   One of the arrows that Cupid is supposed to have fired from his bow, caused the person it struck to fall in love. Where in your life have you been struck by such an arrow? Ask yourself what can you learn from that event or experience that feeds you now?
   
4. Plan on how you can create a monumental day or event of self love: Will you buy yourself a new high tech vibrator (check these out) or order a delectable Hot Chocolate Lava Cake from your favorite baker to ignite the nose, open up the tastebuds and warm your gut? Feeling sensations of pleasure throughout the body often leads to being open to shared love. Feel the gratitude for what you can give and receive.
   
   
5. As to the origins of Valentine’s Day? Hang on, you may not believe this—Google says: “A pagan fertility ritual was held in February each year and the Pope abolished this festival and proclaimed 14 February Saint Valentine's Day, thus establishing this feast day on the Catholic Calendar of Saints. The poet Chaucer in the Middle Ages was the first to link St. Valentine with romantic love.” So here’s a crazy idea; why not read aloud or listen to a version of The Canterbury Tales with your mate or with a group of friends, especially the naughty rowdy tales that were banned, such as The Miller’s Tale. Then regale yourselves with ribald laughter. A glass of bubbly will help the time pass and oil the joints of your social encounter.
   
6. Don’t fret or worry or hold a private pity party if you are alone. Many of us, myself included (sigh) feel terror about spending VD alone. Find someone who needs us, who wants to share our company, or find a place to go to honor yourself as a perfectly lovable person. New movies, new music, new wine to taste, new charitable events, whatever it is that moves you to feeling connected to the human family, do it! And thank Saint Valentine for the idea!
   

I have been absent on my website for almost 18 months, that's a long time for a small business. If you have followed me on Facebook you will have an idea of where I have been and what I have been up to.

So since June 2017 I have started and completed a research dissertation and graduated with me Masters in Sexology; I have ended and started relationships; I have had some terrible experiences and suffered PTSD; I have had some amazing experiences and rediscovered myself; I have moved states after 25 years leaving family and friends; I have left a career after 10 years in the one role and 12 years, in one way or another, with the same organisation; I have really become serious about my new career as a sexologist and am laying the foundations for the future, so I will be a lot more active on here.

Currently I have been in my new location for 7 weeks, and have done lots of networking, finding out who does what and where my skills will fit amongst others here. I have met some lovely people and am slowly getting a feel for where what I offer will compliment what is already here.

So 2018 has been a year of massive change, ups and downs, tears and laughter ....... watch this space as the journey continues into 2019.

I was recently contacted by Paloqueth to do some sex toy reviews, I had not heard of them and was a bit unsure, but agreed anyway. A couple of days ago a lovely box arrived in the mail and the reviewing has begun. To see my first product review click HERE

I am not sure why, but this last week I have seen so much hatred towards Bi people, not sure if it is with it being Pride in many countries where we come together to celebrate who we are that the division becomes more apparent.

But whatever the reason, it is not ok.

I have seen so many myths and stereotypes thrown around and it is time to bust some:

 *BI PEOPLE WILL WANT TO BE WITH THE OTHER GENDER WHEN WITH YOU
Bi people can be monogamous, they often do not even think about being with anyone else when they are with you, they do not necessarily lust for the other gender.

*BI PEOPLE CARRY DISEASE
Bi people are just as capable of having safer sex as is anyone else

*I DONT WANT TO BE WITH A WOMEN WHO HAS BEEN WITH A MAN OR A MAN WHO HAS BEEN WITH A WOMEN
It is usually more graphic than this and about dicks and pussies. I am not sure what the issue is with certain body parts, but I am sure they have had a wash since they last had sex with the other gender.

*BI PEOPLE WANT THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS/HAVE THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT/GREEDY
Bi people can be faithful, they do not want to have both at the same time, they are not greedy, they can decide.

*BI PEOPLE WILL LEAVE YOU FOR THE OTHER GENDER
Anyone can leave you, why is it any worse if they leave you for the other gender. Personally I would find this easier to take as I am very different from a man so I cannot offer what he can.

*BISEXUALITY IS NOT A TRUE SEXUALITY, THEY ARE REALLY CONFUSED
Bi people know who they are and who they are attracted to, they can love more than one gender, it does not have to be at the same time.....bisexuality is a valid identity in its own right

Lets stop tearing each other apart, being judgemental and discriminating within ourselves. How can we expect acceptance from others when we can even accept each other....one love, one heart, one community....Happy Pride

Change.......a word that elicits fear or excitement in people depending on how you see it.

Personally I see change as an opportunity to do something new and exciting but I know many others see it as something to be feared, resulting in anxiety about the unknown future.

Change has been a common theme throughout my life, moving every few years as a kid, new schools, new friends, my parents breaking up resulting in another move and new family members. The 80s saw me leave school and get married and move yet again, then life was quiet, nearly every day was the same, except along came 3 kids. There was a final move, with the husband and kids, to QLD in the early 1990s, then my marriage ending, 6 years on my own, building a life as a single mum and starting a business. The 2000s saw a new life with a new sexuality, a thriving business, going to uni as a mature age student, my first (of 3) relationships with a woman, more new homes and new jobs and finally a career and direction I was passionate about.

Some of these changes were scary, but exciting, they saw me grow, learn new things about myself and become the woman I am today. The times I found the most difficult were  when I had no control over the changes, they were not my decision and there was nothing I could do about them. For a while I would stress about what to do and what was going to happen but I realised that the only thing I could control was the way I reacted to the change.

For me change also brings choice, the choice to go along with the change in a positive way and to see it as an exciting opportunity or the choice to see it as something to be feared and anxiety inducing. Most times I choose to see change as an opportunity but I have had times when that has been hard, when it was out of my control, none of the options for choices were ones I wanted, when it was hard to find the win/win in the situation....all I could see were the lose/lose. But once again I came back to the way I reacted to the change and the choice....grab life with both hands and ride the hell out of it no matter where it took me.

And even now as I approach my 60s I am in my final year of uni, yet again, looking towards another new career in a few years time and hopefully, eventually, to a final move to my happy place, a house near the ocean.

So how do you view change and the choices you can make.....welcoming it in with excitement or anxious and fearful of what it will bring?

The choice is up to you

While looking for journal articles on Queer Femme for my masters research I have come across a lot of research on the butch identity. Today I saw the film below and it got me thinking about the butches in my life....and I need to say THANK YOU.
To watch the film follow the link below:
http://gendertroubles.com/watch-it-now-for-free.html

To the butches in my life:

Thank you for seeing me as the queer woman I am even though others say I don't 'look' like a lesbian (whatever that is)

Thank you for opening the door, walking on the road side, holding my arm as we cross the road, pulling out my chair....all of the old fashioned signs of respect

Thank you for seeing my strength and knowing that I can do things for myself but offering anyway in case today is the day I need you to do them for me

Thank you for looking at me with eyes of desire, not objectification, knowing that I illicit that response in you fills my femme heart (and other places) to overflowing

Thank you for placing enough trust in me to show me your vulnerable side, when you do this you hold me in the palm of your hand

Thank you for being my protector when I need it, never underestimating that  I can stand up for myself in a verbal stand-off and knowing I can cut someone down with a few words or a look

Thank you for being the masculine-of-centre woman that you are, without the misogynistic, privileged and patriarchal outlook that sometimes can go with masculinity

Thank you for being true to yourself, even though society pressures you to be more like me

Thank you for being you even with all misgendering, double takes and rudeness from others

Thank you for loving me in my femininity

I see you

I feel you

I understand you

I respect you

I get you

I love you