While looking for journal articles on Queer Femme for my masters research I have come across a lot of research on the butch identity. Today I saw the film below and it got me thinking about the butches in my life....and I need to say THANK YOU.
To watch the film follow the link below:
http://gendertroubles.com/watch-it-now-for-free.html

To the butches in my life:

Thank you for seeing me as the queer woman I am even though others say I don't 'look' like a lesbian (whatever that is)

Thank you for opening the door, walking on the road side, holding my arm as we cross the road, pulling out my chair....all of the old fashioned signs of respect

Thank you for seeing my strength and knowing that I can do things for myself but offering anyway in case today is the day I need you to do them for me

Thank you for looking at me with eyes of desire, not objectification, knowing that I illicit that response in you fills my femme heart (and other places) to overflowing

Thank you for placing enough trust in me to show me your vulnerable side, when you do this you hold me in the palm of your hand

Thank you for being my protector when I need it, never underestimating that  I can stand up for myself in a verbal stand-off and knowing I can cut someone down with a few words or a look

Thank you for being the masculine-of-centre woman that you are, without the misogynistic, privileged and patriarchal outlook that sometimes can go with masculinity

Thank you for being true to yourself, even though society pressures you to be more like me

Thank you for being you even with all misgendering, double takes and rudeness from others

Thank you for loving me in my femininity

I see you

I feel you

I understand you

I respect you

I get you

I love you

Last week I attended the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS) conference in Sydney and some workshops looking at your sexuality coming form the perspective of mind, body, heart and soul.

It was an interesting week of academia and self journey. You may wonder why I am going on this journey as I approach 56 years of age. I went on the journey to discover who I was and why I was on this earth back in 2001 after leaving a several decade long relationship, where I had lost who I was. So over 15 years later I decided I needed to explore myself again before I go into full time practice as a sexologist, it is always a good idea to look at your own stuff and how it will impact on your work.

What did I learn about myself last week?

I learnt that the work I did all those years ago was still having a positive impact, I may have changed an incredible amount since then but the journey was still continuing as my life experiences informed who I am today.

I am still making good choices with my heart and who I share it with, I do not expect my partner to fulfil all my needs, I can do this for myself and with the other people I have in my life. It certainly takes the pressure off them and the relationship.

We looked at our parents, our relationship with them, and their qualities and how we continue to look for the qualities about them in the people we choose to have in our lives. We explored what we wanted in a partner, in our relationships with them and in life in general, what we bring to the relationship and what actions we will do to bring about what we know is best for us.

I looked at the patterns of relationships in my life, with others and with myself, and I could see a continuing theme of passion and desire....looking for it in others, requiring validation of it in myself from others and finally being in a place where I can do it for myself.....I have come home to ME.

One of the big things I realised was the relationship I had with my body. Just like everyone else my body has changed considerably as I have aged and menopause certainly has had an impact, there were many things I was not comfortable with. But my lightbulb moment was with the fact that yes I am now about 18kg heavier than I was most of my life and certainly 15kg than I was at my previous heaviest, but my concerns about my changing body were more related to how it functioned than what it looks like. I can still find pleasure in my body, I am still a sensual being and I am still desirable, there is just more of me to desire. Maybe it does not work the same way as it used to but I will learn to work my way around that.

We also explored our past, present and future and what were our general needs, wants and desires in life. Once again patterns emerged and we looked at how we could manifest our needs and desires. This showed me that I was already on the path to have all this and more, I had put things in place to increase my passion for life, to have fun and adventure. Part of the journey was actually attending the workshop and I have more self exploring workshops planned through out the year.

I have also put in place ways to increase the passion, desire, fun and adventure in all aspects of my world. Work/life balance, trips away with my partner, time with my friends and family, reconnecting with my community, continuing and completing my studies, laying the foundations for my future career, learning and loving life in general.

The journey to yourself can be tough at times, as we may realise things about our self we don't like, we may look at things that have caused us hurt in the past....but it is all part of our growth as a human and well worth the effort and any pain that may come with it. I am glad I did all that painful work so many years ago and will continue to unpack where I am now so that I can be a better practitioner and person for may years to come.

So I am more mindful, living in the moment, being grateful and looking at life with fresh eyes.

Bring on 2017 I say....it is looking grand.

BDSM or kink is often brought up and with the new 50 shades movie about to launch I am sure there will be more people curious. This will be a brief explanation and there are some great books to read, fetlife is a good website to learn more and connect with people and find out about play parties and munches (a  meet and greet in a public place, often for a meal and a chance to chat and get to know people)

As you can see above when broken up the letters are actually like this: BD, DS, SM
BD- bondage and discipline
DS-  dominance and submission
SM-  sadism and masochism

Bondage and Discipline
Just what it says, bondage is restraint with ropes, chains or whatever you have handy while discipline can be impact play such as flogging and whipping or any other form of discipline as negotiated, with limits and safewords

Dominance and Submission
This is about power exchange and power play and quite explanatory, one person dominates while the other submits, all this is negotiated with limits, both soft and hard discussed and agreed upon and safewords

Sadism and masochism
This is about giving and receiving pain, the sadists gives and the masochists receives, once again this is negotiated between those involved with limits and safewords.

You will see that all aspects include negotiation and in some cases even a contract, limits are discussed (what you are willing and not willing to do) and the most common safe words are green (this is good, I enjoy this, keep going), yellow (maintain that level, do not go any harder) and red (stop right now). When playing where you are unable to speak (using a gag) then a sign is used, that the person giving can  see and know what the receivers wishes are.

The key words when talk BDSM are SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL(SSC) and sometimes RISK AWARE CONSENSUAL KINK (RACK). It is important to keep this in mind when negotiating and playing:

SAFE- always play safely taking precautions to ensure that there is no permanent harm (physical or psychological)
SANE- be aware of risk, do not play under the influence of substances
CONSENSUAL- consent is sought in neogtiation and throughout play and play can be changed at any time by the use of safewords

RAK is self explanatory: when you play you are aware of the risk and engage in play consensually

The person who is on the receiving end of the play always has control of the situation, through what was previously negotiated and their safewords.

So if you are thinking of getting out there and engaging in BDSM or kink play then educate yourself, pop onto websites where you can learn and chat, attend a play party and see what you think and above all.....have fun

For more information check out Lifestyles and Sexual Practices

As 2016 comes to an end and 2017 closes in quickly it is often a time for reflection and looking forward.

This year has been mostly uneventful, work, study, family, some health issues and a time for learning more about myself and where I am going in my life.

As a universal 9 year it was a time for everyone to let go of the past 9 years to be ready to welcome in the new beginnings of the universal 1 year of 2017. Personally 2017 is also a  4 year for me, a focus on career, so with that in mind it makes sense that it is a time for new beginnings career wise and setting foundations for my future as a clinical sexologist, completing my research dissertation and looking to graduation in early 2018.

With only a week left of this year it is time to let go of the things that no longer serve you, I have done several blogs over the past few months about letting go, it has been a very strong theme with the 3 Mercury Retrogrades and the clposing of 2016......have you been able to let go?

If not then look at how you can create a ritual that will enable you to do so and then you can gp into 2017 lighter and not weighed down by your past. Maybe meditate on what you need to let go( see it floating away, the cord between you and it being severed), write it down, create or draw a representation of what you need to let go then burn it or release to the sea or speak it to the winds, release it to the universe in what ever way speaks to you.

Once you have let it go then it is time to welcome in the new year and new beginnings, be intentional as you consider what it is you want to manifest in 2017. You can also meditate on this, welcoming it in, embracing your future, create or draw a represenatation or write postitve affirmations of what you seek but ensure they are in the current tense (I am, I have, I deserve rather than I want, seek or I need) place these where you can see them every day, once again welcome in your manifestation in a way that works for you. You can do this over the next week or even on New Years Eve or Day.

I wish you all a wonderful, happy and safe festive season and after a long overdue break with my loved ones I will be back in 2017.

So today I was blocked from facebook for 24 hours due to a post I shared about safer anal sex for straight men, that had a picture of a half covered bum. Apparently is did not comply with their facebook standards.

I found this interesting as I have seen nude images of men and women as well as vulvas, penis and breasts before not to mention the graphic violent  or discriminatory images or text.

I began to wonder about censorship and it place in our society. I believe it is important to protect the young and innocent and I do not agree with the over sexualisation of children we often see in imagery and clothing. But where is the line drawn for consenting adults when viewing a page that is designated for sexual health and well being, are we being over censored, is facebook being paternal while still being inconsistent?

Personally for me I am more upset by images of cruelty to animals and humans, violence, discrimination and villification than I am of the human body in a learning context. Have I been working in sexual health for too long, am I now desensitised to what others would see as unacceptable?

Gee Whiz.....we all have bodies, some may be different to others, but they are all amazing and beautiful in their own way......we dont all behave in violent ways and by continuing to show these images we desensitise people to such things.

I would much rather see a picture of a half naked bum, than one of someone being shot, abused or hurt in any way, physically, emotionally or psychologically. Has our society got it wrong in banning what is natural and not banning what is detrimental to us all?

Rant for the month is over.....continue on your usual viewing.

As I submit my last assignment for this year and before I start my dissertation last year I start thinking about my research synopsis that is due in a  few weeks for final approval for my thesis topic "The journey to identifying as a Queer Femme".

Identity is something that is very personal, how we identify is a combination if various factors that change in their level of importance over time, our sex, gender, ethnicity, faith or spirituality, familial role, sexual orientation, work role, hobbies and sports, values, beliefs and personality all come into play.

As we go through life and have a variety of experiences the level of importance of each factor will vary: the new parent, employee, partner or recently 'out' person may feel that this is their primary identity.

In the training I deliver we discuss identity, especially gender and sexual orientation and all of the various terms people may use. I don't talk about labels as I personally believe a label is something we put onto something else to make sense of it and to know how we will interact with it, whereas an identity is chosen by the person and cannot be put on them by another.

But how do we come to our identity? For some the journey is smooth but for many the journey is a rocky one,  ups and downs, twists and turns, steps forward and back. It may have moments of celebration or grief, joy or despair and when it is reached there may be a sense of coming home and living your truth.

For me the journey to my identity was slow and winding, with ups and downs.....as an adult it twisted and turned......from girl to woman, daughter and sister, uni student then worker, singer and actress, heterosexual wife then single woman then lesbian partner,  DV survivor then thriver, mother and grand mother, business owner then uni student again, bellydancer then latin dancer, avid reader and gardener, trainer and advocate, monogamous then polyamorous, vanilla then kinky, heterosexual (40 years), bisexual (2 weeks), lesbian (10 years), and then queer femme (5 years).

Who knows where it may take me over the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years......Masters graduate, Sexologist, Business owner?????????......the world is a never ending ride and I am going to grab it with both hands and hang on.....what about you, what has the journey to your identity entailed?

Over the past 8 weeks I have had a sinus virus, very similar to the one I has last year that lasted 4 months. A foggy head like a head cold that makes thinking almost impossible, coughing and sneezing so violent that it makes you pee a little, breathless at the slightest thing and a general feeling of being exhausted, bleh and 'over it'.

During this time I have had time off for sick leave but also 2 weeks annual leave and tonight am heading away for a weekend near the beach with my partner, a time to rest, refresh and  reconnect. A break from a  busy life to have some quality couple time, lazy days and sex....lots of it....well that is what we would both like but the reality may be very different.

But the way I have been feeling, sex has been the last thing on my mind. What I have been thinking about is intimacy, all the things that show me how much I am loved and cared for, the Languages of Love like, physical touch: cuddles, not so much kisses as I didn't want to pass along what I have and massages, acts of service: doing the little things like making a hot cuppa, getting medications ready, running a hot bath, and making dinner, gift giving: bringing home treats to make me feel better, words of affirmation: these can be hard when you look and feel like hell, but little things like asking how you are feeling and being proud of you that you  actually got out of your PJs or out of bed today and finally quality time: which can incorporate the others, spending time focused on each other with no distractions.

For me I will get better over the next few weeks and back to my usual self but it got me thinking about people who have chronic illness, disability or some of the impacts of ageing and how hard it must be to maintain a sexual and sensual connection with yourself and your partner in the long term. If you experience pain, feelings of unwellness (if that is a word), or that your body has let you down (insert menopause here for me as well as illness), it can be difficult to even think about being sexual let alone do anything.

This is where the languages of love can come into play to feel connected, loved and intimate with each other and a bit of imagination can help in working out ways to still be sexual. Things may need to be done differently, sexual activity may change and be less strenuous, it may be gentler, it may be more oral or manual stimulation rather than penetration, and there may be sex aids and toys that can help.

So my partner and I will make the most of our weekend getaway, we will catch up with mates, spend quality time together to reconnect in whatever way we can, allowing for illness, and our sensual life will get back to what we both enjoy soon enough.

My wish for everyone else this long weekend is that you also take time to reconnect with yourself and those you love, and if you also have illness, pain or disability that impacts on your sensuality, that you find ways to maintain that connection with your sensual, sexual self and those that you share this with.

I have been absent on here for the past few weeks due to illness, final uni assignments and the turmoil of the latest mercury retrograde making me ponder life, the universe and my role in it all.

The later has been interesting, many posts on facebook resonated, letting go and moving forward,  my memories of the past, my wondering of the future and a restlessness that I could not explain.  I have been here before as I was approaching the end of my studies in 2006.....so near and yet so far.

I processed many fond memories of the past, remembering fun times with mates on the Sunshine Coast and thinking about how we have all scattered and how much our lives have changed yet some of us are still in contact and catch up from time to time. Finding a familiarity in the restlessness I was feeling, one I had first felt when I was going on my spiritual journey back in the late 1990s and early 2000s which culminated in a realisation of my sexuality. And then again as I previously mentioned, as I approached the end of my undergrad studies, pondering where it would take me. And it has been quite a career adventure, a winding path to my dream job and a realisation of where I want to go in my future career.

They say that life goes in 7 year cycles, if that is the case then I am approaching the end of one as I get closer to 56, maybe that is playing a role.....I have found in the past that things would start to shift in the year prior to the 7 yr cycle....I am about to finalise my last assignment and then will have a year of my research dissertation and then graduation and time to move into private practice. Another new career adventure that I will move into slowly over the next few years, this website and the facebook pages being a start in building my sexological empire (hey ya gotta dream big).

I have also been observing some people I know on their spiritual journey, as I said one I went on as I approached my 40s, and found I was able then to incorporate in to my day to day life around the age of 42 (another 7 yr cycle). It made me think about how that was now, almost 14 years later, missing in my life. Time to explore it again, I have started to incorporate crystals into my life again, have set up a meditation space (which I have not started to use yet) and have booked myself into a yoga retreat for later this year (hopefully the kick start I need).

As part of the letting go process it was important to me to remember fondly things in my past, to grieve and heal anything that was left over that had hurt me, to look at the people who were in my life and their role...maybe it is time to let some of them go as well (I can hold on to friendships long after their use by date). So I have been reconnecting to see how I feel about those friendships, were they still strong but interrupted by busy lives or were they over and the time had come to move on from them. This is still a work in progress and only time will tell who will still be in my life and who will just be a fond memory.

So as the Mercury Retrograde comes to a close and the Spring Equinox is upon us, it is time to look to the future, letting go of past pain and putting some memories into the box with other fond times. Being open to a new life, a fresh start, moving towards a bright future whatever that may be for us all, whether that be a new job, home, relationship, friends, or starting a family, study, travel, sports, hobbies or adventures.......life is a ride, grab it with both hands and hang on.