As I submit my last assignment for this year and before I start my dissertation last year I start thinking about my research synopsis that is due in a  few weeks for final approval for my thesis topic "The journey to identifying as a Queer Femme".

Identity is something that is very personal, how we identify is a combination if various factors that change in their level of importance over time, our sex, gender, ethnicity, faith or spirituality, familial role, sexual orientation, work role, hobbies and sports, values, beliefs and personality all come into play.

As we go through life and have a variety of experiences the level of importance of each factor will vary: the new parent, employee, partner or recently 'out' person may feel that this is their primary identity.

In the training I deliver we discuss identity, especially gender and sexual orientation and all of the various terms people may use. I don't talk about labels as I personally believe a label is something we put onto something else to make sense of it and to know how we will interact with it, whereas an identity is chosen by the person and cannot be put on them by another.

But how do we come to our identity? For some the journey is smooth but for many the journey is a rocky one,  ups and downs, twists and turns, steps forward and back. It may have moments of celebration or grief, joy or despair and when it is reached there may be a sense of coming home and living your truth.

For me the journey to my identity was slow and winding, with ups and downs.....as an adult it twisted and turned......from girl to woman, daughter and sister, uni student then worker, singer and actress, heterosexual wife then single woman then lesbian partner,  DV survivor then thriver, mother and grand mother, business owner then uni student again, bellydancer then latin dancer, avid reader and gardener, trainer and advocate, monogamous then polyamorous, vanilla then kinky, heterosexual (40 years), bisexual (2 weeks), lesbian (10 years), and then queer femme (5 years).

Who knows where it may take me over the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years......Masters graduate, Sexologist, Business owner?????????......the world is a never ending ride and I am going to grab it with both hands and hang on.....what about you, what has the journey to your identity entailed?

Over the past 8 weeks I have had a sinus virus, very similar to the one I has last year that lasted 4 months. A foggy head like a head cold that makes thinking almost impossible, coughing and sneezing so violent that it makes you pee a little, breathless at the slightest thing and a general feeling of being exhausted, bleh and 'over it'.

During this time I have had time off for sick leave but also 2 weeks annual leave and tonight am heading away for a weekend near the beach with my partner, a time to rest, refresh and  reconnect. A break from a  busy life to have some quality couple time, lazy days and sex....lots of it....well that is what we would both like but the reality may be very different.

But the way I have been feeling, sex has been the last thing on my mind. What I have been thinking about is intimacy, all the things that show me how much I am loved and cared for, the Languages of Love like, physical touch: cuddles, not so much kisses as I didn't want to pass along what I have and massages, acts of service: doing the little things like making a hot cuppa, getting medications ready, running a hot bath, and making dinner, gift giving: bringing home treats to make me feel better, words of affirmation: these can be hard when you look and feel like hell, but little things like asking how you are feeling and being proud of you that you  actually got out of your PJs or out of bed today and finally quality time: which can incorporate the others, spending time focused on each other with no distractions.

For me I will get better over the next few weeks and back to my usual self but it got me thinking about people who have chronic illness, disability or some of the impacts of ageing and how hard it must be to maintain a sexual and sensual connection with yourself and your partner in the long term. If you experience pain, feelings of unwellness (if that is a word), or that your body has let you down (insert menopause here for me as well as illness), it can be difficult to even think about being sexual let alone do anything.

This is where the languages of love can come into play to feel connected, loved and intimate with each other and a bit of imagination can help in working out ways to still be sexual. Things may need to be done differently, sexual activity may change and be less strenuous, it may be gentler, it may be more oral or manual stimulation rather than penetration, and there may be sex aids and toys that can help.

So my partner and I will make the most of our weekend getaway, we will catch up with mates, spend quality time together to reconnect in whatever way we can, allowing for illness, and our sensual life will get back to what we both enjoy soon enough.

My wish for everyone else this long weekend is that you also take time to reconnect with yourself and those you love, and if you also have illness, pain or disability that impacts on your sensuality, that you find ways to maintain that connection with your sensual, sexual self and those that you share this with.

I have been absent on here for the past few weeks due to illness, final uni assignments and the turmoil of the latest mercury retrograde making me ponder life, the universe and my role in it all.

The later has been interesting, many posts on facebook resonated, letting go and moving forward,  my memories of the past, my wondering of the future and a restlessness that I could not explain.  I have been here before as I was approaching the end of my studies in 2006.....so near and yet so far.

I processed many fond memories of the past, remembering fun times with mates on the Sunshine Coast and thinking about how we have all scattered and how much our lives have changed yet some of us are still in contact and catch up from time to time. Finding a familiarity in the restlessness I was feeling, one I had first felt when I was going on my spiritual journey back in the late 1990s and early 2000s which culminated in a realisation of my sexuality. And then again as I previously mentioned, as I approached the end of my undergrad studies, pondering where it would take me. And it has been quite a career adventure, a winding path to my dream job and a realisation of where I want to go in my future career.

They say that life goes in 7 year cycles, if that is the case then I am approaching the end of one as I get closer to 56, maybe that is playing a role.....I have found in the past that things would start to shift in the year prior to the 7 yr cycle....I am about to finalise my last assignment and then will have a year of my research dissertation and then graduation and time to move into private practice. Another new career adventure that I will move into slowly over the next few years, this website and the facebook pages being a start in building my sexological empire (hey ya gotta dream big).

I have also been observing some people I know on their spiritual journey, as I said one I went on as I approached my 40s, and found I was able then to incorporate in to my day to day life around the age of 42 (another 7 yr cycle). It made me think about how that was now, almost 14 years later, missing in my life. Time to explore it again, I have started to incorporate crystals into my life again, have set up a meditation space (which I have not started to use yet) and have booked myself into a yoga retreat for later this year (hopefully the kick start I need).

As part of the letting go process it was important to me to remember fondly things in my past, to grieve and heal anything that was left over that had hurt me, to look at the people who were in my life and their role...maybe it is time to let some of them go as well (I can hold on to friendships long after their use by date). So I have been reconnecting to see how I feel about those friendships, were they still strong but interrupted by busy lives or were they over and the time had come to move on from them. This is still a work in progress and only time will tell who will still be in my life and who will just be a fond memory.

So as the Mercury Retrograde comes to a close and the Spring Equinox is upon us, it is time to look to the future, letting go of past pain and putting some memories into the box with other fond times. Being open to a new life, a fresh start, moving towards a bright future whatever that may be for us all, whether that be a new job, home, relationship, friends, or starting a family, study, travel, sports, hobbies or adventures.......life is a ride, grab it with both hands and hang on.

With the Mercury Retrograde starting on August 30 and ending September 16 I have seen many  people reporting experiences of things not working or going to plan and posts about letting go of the old to welcome the new. So I thought that it might be a good opportunity to explore what is out there about what is going on in the cosmos and how this may impact on you.

This info about Numerology and the upcoming 9/9/16 came from Elephant Journal:
"In numerology, September 9th, 2016 translates to 999 as it is the ninth day of the ninth month in a 9 year 2016 (2+0+1+6=9.)
We are about to go through a very intense phase that will cleanse poisonous toxins from our lives, which include unhealthy habits, extreme behaviours, outdated beliefs and irrational fear-based thoughts and feelings that diminish our energy and leave us feeling fraught, anxious and burnt-out.
Also, any ties that are energetically binding us to people or situations that are detrimental to us or limiting us in any way will easily be severed during this period and we will walk away with peace, love, compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. In particular, we will feel the urge to remove ourselves from the company of anyone that regularly provokes arguments, shows aggression, is controlling, manipulative, deceptive, judgemental, overly critical or generally abusive to us.
Not only will we be ending a nine-year cycle that has felt especially vicious, we are about to embark on an important, transformational new phase—and if we have been involved in any toxicity, it is vital that we are ready for this shift."

The moon solar eclipse is also influencing at the moment, this is from empower Astrology:

"The New Moon solar eclipse at 9 degrees Virgo on the 1st September.

Eclipses are the most powerful transits that you can experience. They herald major beginnings and endings, burning and purifying. Solar eclipses tend to create new beginnings and bright new opportunities. Usually, they are exciting, are often very positive, and bring news out of the blue. This Solar Eclipse in Virgo is immensely significant, the major activity cycle for 2016 begins now. The North Node and Virgo-Jupiter are highly active.

We have two powerful eclipses back to back in September. The Solar eclipse on the 1st September and a Lunar eclipse on the 16th September. We will all feel the effects of the two eclipses but even more so if you have personal planets in your horoscope that are directly aspected by the eclipse. Eclipses can uproot us, surprise us, and get us moving. They shake us up so that we can move from one level of maturity to another, to a higher plane, very rapidly. Eclipses want us to change, and change we do! Anything that we have been holding onto that no longer serves our highest purpose will fall away during the two eclipses in September. Whether that be people, circumstances or limiting and negative patterns of thinking and behaving.

And on  both a personal and collective level we will find the September energies positively culminating on the New Moon in Libra September 30th together with Jupiter in Libra heralding a new healthy paradigm for better relationships and love. With many karmic lovers meeting and coming together during the Jupiter in Libra transit from September 9th 2016to October 2017."

From Wicca Teachings:

"With a New Moon in the constellation of Virgo, the earth is going through a major transition at the moment, dark is taking over light, cold is taking over warmth, death is taking over life as we speed into September. We will be able to see and feel these energies all around us. We can also use these energies of transformation to become what we want to be, to shed our skin and start a fresh and make changes that will improve our lives.

With this New Moon we are essentially working on a blank canvas where our ideas can gestate into reality. We can create the world around us and shape our futures to what we want, we just need to be willing to put in the work. All work done around the Virgo New Moon will pay off and give big rewards. The Virgo New Moon brings attention to the details and listening to your conscience or rather the wise voice from inside. Look deep within yourself and ask yourself what it is that will make you happy, what will make you feel whole."

Chani Nichols explains it all this way:

"Virgo is the reality of having to tend to the details of life. Pisces, the sign of the lunar eclipse occurring on September 16th, is the idealistic dream of what life could be. This eclipse season has us straddling the polarity of precision and symbolism, organisation and creative chaos, facts and fictions. 

This week’s solar eclipse is sitting in a tight square to Saturn (a loose square to Mars) and a tight opposition to Neptune. It ties together the Saturn/Neptune square, an aspect that has been brewing since November 2015. The Saturn (walls, boundaries, blockades, structures, limitations)/Neptune (dissolution, delusions, deceptions, leaks, lies) square has correlated with a tremendous amount of structural dissolution, fantasy versus reality and a rise in rhetoric about structural extremism and separation. The eclipse gets caught in the cross-hairs of this cosmic soup calling up the limitations, fear-based reactions and the changing shape of things that we are dealing with, both internally and externally.

Virgo’s answer is to tend to the details of life. To be a student of its cycles. To study what is in front of it. To learn all it can and then to apply its deft ability to discern and analyse the data, integrating what is good, eliminating what is of no use.

Remember that eclipse season lasts for a while. Longer than the two weeks they technically span. What happens during them tends to have a lasting impact on our lives. See the cycle from up close and a great distance. Zoom in and pan out. Give yourself extra breathing room. Focus on the moment at hand and give up on sticking to the plan in any kind of precise way. Go easy, tread lightly and be the softest that you can with yourself and everyone else."

So as you can see the next few weeks are going to be a time of change, ending and beginnings, letting go and moving forward. Take some time to explore what is in your life that no longer serves you well, process old emotions, look to the future, be grounded and connected to yourself, look for renewal and the possibilities of the future.

Be gentle on yourself as things shift in and around you, take some time for reflection, meditation, mindfulness, do things that speak to your heart and soul (whatever that may be for you)and prepare for the new and exciting things ahead.

Hold on it because it may be a hell of a Ride.

In the past few days I have seen a lot f posts and research about the links between intimacy and desire, some saying that too much intimacy and familiarity reduces desire, while others saying that it increases it....so which is true....actually both.

Esther Perel talks about  us needing both surprise and security to have desire and good sex. Security provides love, consistency and intimacy while surprise provides novelty and mystery and an otherness that is attractive.....how do we have both. Esther talks about us having the intimacy we require to feel secure but also how we can still maintain the mystery and excitement, how we can HAVE and WANT. To listen to her click on the link here.

Recent research by Birbaum (2016) echoes Perel "the need for security that intimacy typically provides may clash with the sense of uncertainty, novelty, and separateness that fuels desire, such that high levels of intimacy between partners may stifle sexual desire." But then goes on to show how the two can work together, how we can have both and may possibly need both to feed off each other. When our partner turns towards us, is responsive in an empathetic, intimate and caring way to what we are saying we feel heard, desired and worthy......this can increase our feelings of desirability and thus our desire for our partner.....this was especially the case for women. The conclusions of the research were "Overall, the findings elucidate the intimacy-desire paradox, suggesting that, under certain circumstances, it may not be a paradox: What determines whether intimacy instigates or inhibits desire is not the mere existence of intimacy, but its meaning in the larger context of a relationship. Responsiveness is most likely to instigate desire when it conveys the impression that the partner is worth pursuing and when engaging in sex with such a desirable partner is likely to promote an already valuable relationship."

So we can have both intimacy and desire, the wish to be sexual with each other does not always have to decrease over time as intimacy increases, but it takes work from all involved, to remain responsive to each other, to create excitement, to show each other that they are desirable and desired.

LBD or Lesbian Bed Death, a myth or a reality?

Is a reduction in sexual frequency a natural occurrence in all long term relationships or specific to lesbian ones?

Anyone in a long term relationship will tell you that sexual frequency does decline over time, with the rush of hormones and limerence of the romantic/honeymoon period fading out and long term, deep companionable love  taking over, the amount of time spent having sex each week does reduce. Life gets in the way, kids come along, work and stress can impact, as well as illness and changes associated with ageing, it does not mean the relationship is in peril if there is still intimacy in other areas. One of the things that can happen in lesbian relationships is a reduction in sexual activity quite early in a relationship, when this happens there can be several things going on.....rushing into the relationship before really knowing if they are compatible, emotional enmeshment where the relationship is more emotional than physical (really just meant to be mates, but slipped into girlfriends), or just not not being into each other.

Research has shown that generally lesbians have less sex than heterosexual couple or gay men, averaging once  fortnight rather than 1-2 times a week. But what it also shows is that when lesbians do have sex they have it for longer, 30-120 minutes, they expect to and do have more orgasms and they often have more oral sex. Whereas heterosexual women may have sex more often,  but they often do not expect to have an orgasm or oral sex, and it usually lasts less than 30 minutes.

So may it is a case of looking not at the frequency of sex but the satisfaction that people experience with their sex life, with lesbians experiencing quality over quantity.

But what do you do if you are having sex less than you both want to? Looking at what might be impacting on the lack of sex and dealing with that is a good place to start.

Is there a physical reason, illness, pain, tiredness, medications etc?
Is it a social issue, work, time, lack of experience or education?
Is it a psychological issue, past experiences, mental health, changes in feelings?

What can you change.....can you improve your work/life balance, make more time, change medications, deal with issues of lack of knowledge, change the time of day you have sex, get therapy?

What cant you change and how can you work around it?

If it is important to both of you, make it a priority, schedule time to be together to be intimate, to focus on each other, to communicate thoughts, desires and feelings, explore new things together, have fun.

So apparently today 8th of the 8th is a special day for intentions setting and after watching some interesting things happening in people's relationships I think that it might be a good day to set intentions for the relationship you currently have, or if single, are looking to have in the future.

Take some time today to consider what you want and need on your relationships, maybe write it down, think about the positive things you need and in your mind see it as a reality.

Now as I said I have seen some interesting things about relationships over the past few weeks, from single people putting themselves out there, or bemoaning their lack of a relationship to seemingly committed couples ending theirs, both a year long to over 5 years together and then to the on again off again couples, who every time they break up you quietly think "about time and is it really for good this time" and every time they get back together you think "here we go again I wonder how long it is going to last this time".

I would like to look at the last type first,what I like to call the 'merry go round' relationship, we have all seen them and possibly even been in one of them. When it is on it is full on, all over social media, very over the top and when it is off it is there for all to see, it is nasty and often we hear from one or the other participant " That's it I am never going back". So what is it that keeps these people on the merry go round, there can be a range of things: scared of being alone, their own self worth is bound up in being in a relationship they have low self esteem and think no one else will have them or they dont deserve to be treated better, they are addicted to the drama, they are addicted to the passion of when it is on, they may not have  healthy conflict skills, they have an unhealthy view of what a relationships is like and sometimes it is a case of 'better the devil you know".  Now none of this is healthy but it is a very difficult cycle to break, sometimes very similar to the cycle of abuse. Often counselling is required for the people involved to work out why they do this 'on again, off again" behaviour and to move towards a healthier way to interact.

What I have observed recently in the committed relationships that have ended, is that one person is pulling away and when questioned is not willing to engage in the work required to fix any problems, they are already done. They have often pulled away and the other partner has sensed this and it comes to a conversation about what is going on. Sometimes it is about growing apart over time rather than growing together and other times it is that the relationships was not what one person was expecting and now they want out, they may still love the other person but am not sure how to end it, so they pull away, maybe have an affair or do something that they know their partner would not like to bring things to a head. What can be done in this situation? Communication through out the whole relationship is essential, knowing yourself and what you need and want in a partner and a relationship is also important. Being able to discuss where you are at and what you want and need before the relationship starts enables both people to know if this is what they want, and continuing to do so throughout the relationship allows them to work through any differences as they arise.

And finally the first point I made, those single people who are wanting a relationship. I have seen a lot of people putting themselves out there in a way that is actually very off putting. Social media posts such as "Am I ever going to find a partner?", "Would anyone want me?", "Why is it so hard to find someone sane, honest, loyal...etc?". Posts like these have an air of desperation, neediness and attention seeking which can be very unappealing. Other people put them selves out there by having fun, meeting new people, making new friends and not putting any pressure on themselves to find a partner....this can be very attractive, independent, fun loving and living life.....I know which I would be drawn to.

Relationships require work, communication, negotiation and finding a compromise that suits everyone, but they should not be constant hard work....when it is right it will work on many levels and things will be discussed and worked on together as a team.....a relationship is several entities, all of those involved and the relationship itself.

For more information and posts about relationships, check out Love Is...Respectful Relationships on Facebook

Many years ago when I was teaching sex ed to kids I would often start the session by asking them "What is sex?" The answers would vary depending on their ages and level of education, anything from 'boys and girls" to " your bits" and "doing it". We would then look at what made up sexual activity and "sex" was often defined as penis in vagina (PIV) intercourse, and apparently to some kids oral sex and anal sex were not sex because you could not get pregnant, even though they had the word sex attached....boy did I have some news about how anal is not such a great contraceptive...those little buggers can swim and move from one orifice to another

So I would like to ask you "What is sex?".

Do you immediately think of intercourse? Do you consider oral and anal to be sex? Does outercourse, mutual masturbation, digital penetration, rimming, using toys and grinding come into the picture? (for more information on these terms check out the Information page).

So I have news for you....all of these things are sex to some degree, they are all sexual activity that either involves the genitals or desire, arousal and possibly orgasm. Sexual activity can also involve a whole range of things that do not involve the genitals as well, visual stimuli such as erotica ( books, art, films), auditory such as talking dirty, mental such as erotic thoughts and anything else that gets your mind going in anticipation, your skin tingling and your juices flowing.

Now we have that straight....that sex is more than penis and vagina and in and out, lets look at why we have sex.

So now I ask you...."Why do you have sex....apart from a physical release from orgasm?"

There are so many reasons we have sex other than a physical release:

• skin hunger
  
• closeness
  
• connection
  
• express love
  
• validation
  
• anger
  
• grief
  
• end an argument
  
• get back in the good books
  
• bargaining
  
• intimacy
  
• vulnerability
  
• spirituality
  
• pleasure
  
• fun
  
• and many more.........
  

How many others can you add?

And did you know that many people do not have desire (horny) until after that are stimulated and aroused (wet, erect etc.), rather than feeling desire then getting aroused....the old "once we got started then I suddenly wanted it and had a lot of fun".

So if sex is more than PIV and we often have it  for more reasons than orgasm, how can this help us if we are having issues with desire or performance?

If performance is an issue think about the many and varied ways we can have sex that do not involve PIV and if desire is an issue think about all the other amazing things you get from sex and the fact that sometimes it is about starting and then seeing how you feel.
Ask yourself " Is this something I really don't want to do or do I feel ..... Why Not?" When feeling a bit "Why not" we can often find that the other reasons we enjoy sex can be enough for us to get started and then things can heat up pretty quickly once we get going.

So your homework for this week is the two questions above....what does sex mean to you and why do you have it? The answers might give you the motivation required to move beyond some sexual issues, or at least have fun exploring it all.

People often see a sexologist, sex or relationship therapist for any issues regarding sex, these can be a variety of things related to identity, lifestyle, relationships or more directly arousal, function and desire. A good sexologist will have qualifications, be non judgemental, respectful and ethical.

One of the first things a sex therapist will do, besides asking why you are there, is to take a sexual  and familial history. They will be looking for  things that may contribute to the reason you are there and to get a picture of who you are, where you have come from and what you have experienced. Sexologists come from a biopsychosocial perspective and will look at a variety of things that may be impacting on you sexually.

Issues with sexual or gender identity (LGBTIQ+), relationships (Poly), or lifestyles (Kink, BDSM) may require counselling, education and linking with other like-minded people.

Sexual issues or dysfunctions can have several causes:

• Biological (physical) due to illness, accident, medications or organic causes
  
• Psychological (mental) due to emotions and thoughts, mental illness and stress
  
• Social (environmental) relationships, knowledge, experience, culture, faith and other external influences.
  

They can also fall into several categories:

• Desire (thinking of or wanting to have sex)
• Arousal (erectile dysfunction, arousal disorders)
• Function(orgasm disorders, premature ejaculation)

The sex therapist will explore the issue further by defining it as:

• Lifelong (self explanatory, had it all your life) or acquired (have not always had it)
• Generalised ( in every situation, alone and partnered) or situational (happens in certain situations)

 It may then be diagnosed as a disorder by the level of distress it causes the individual and being present for more than 6 months.

All of this information gathering will take time, some therapists may take several sessions to gather all they need to make a diagnosis and treatment plan while others may have a longer first  session.

Treatment may require medical tests to ascertain biological causes, changes in medications, exploring relationships and messages about sex the person has taken on board, levels of sexuality education and sex knowledge, the impact of values and morals as well as the thoughts and emotions the person holds about sex and the issue they are experiencing.

There may be sessions providing sexological education, because lets admit it we probably did not get very much when we were younger, and we often don't know what we don't know.

Sometimes there are take home activities, to do alone or with your partner, these may be about increasing communication, intimacy, or sexual response.

So if you are experiencing any issues with your sexuality linking with a Sexologist might be just what you need to help you resolve what ever is bothering you.