Once again some wonderful points made by Ev'yan Whitney, this time about Sexuality.

Sexuality can mean many different things to each of us, I like what Ev'yan has to say, I could not have put it better myself.

See her words below:

"1. Everyone is sexual. 

Your grandmother. Your great-uncle. Your next door neighbor. The homeless man sitting in a wheelchair. The girl with coke-bottle glasses that bags your groceries.

They all have sexual energy coursing through their bodies, just as you do.

Sexuality is not a privilege or a gift presented to an exclusively selected mass of people. It is bestowed upon all us from the moment we are conceived and its essence is carried with us into the afterlife.

We are all born with sexual energy emanating throughout our organs, cells, and muscle tissue. All of us. How (and if) we choose to actualize our sexual nature is as personal and unique as the color of our eyes.

2. Sexuality is fluid. 

As much as we’d all like to think that our sexuality can be housed within rigid labels, it’s not as simple as that. Our sexual energy isn’t specific, it just is what it is: erotically, carnally, instinctively sexual.

I like to think that anyone can form the way they express their sex energy through intimate self-discovery. It is such a liberating experience to make that decision to explore outside our perceived boxes.

To choose flexibility, to try exploration, and to accept the sometimes flightiness of our sexual nature. . . this is your right as a sexual being.

Maybe the box we tick underneath the word “Orientation” doesn’t have to be cemented for the rest of our lives. Maybe just as we evolve, so does our sexuality and the way we express it.

That is, if we give ourselves permission to explore. (And I want for you to give yourself permission.

3. Your sexuality is expressed in many ways.

Not just within the act of sex (or intercourse) but in other things: The art you create. The tone of your voice. The musical notes you pluck on your harp. The manner of which you walk. The poetry in the words you speak.These things contain sexual energy because you contain sexual energy. 

You don't need to have sex to be a sexual being. You already are one, even as you are sitting here reading these words.

Perhaps you don’t feel as sexual now when compared to when you are fully aroused. But trust me… your erotic energy is there.

Try to remember that it's there with you. Always.

4. You cannot get rid of your sexual nature.

You can diminish it with negative thoughts. You can scare it away with religious dogmas. You can abstain from sexual pleasure for decades. But you will never be without your sexuality. You can never stop being a sexual being.

Your erotic energy is always within you and it will always be a part of you. So you may as well embrace it.

5. Your sexuality should be explored.

Experiment. Stay curious. Maintain a state of intrigue about your sexuality and all that it encompasses. 

Like, what does it mean to you to be straight (or gay, or bi, or queer)? Did you choose the orientation you identify with or were born with it? What do your sexual desires look like? What turns you on? If you could give your sexual energy a color or shape, what would it be?

Ask questions about your sexual nature. Your answers might surprise you.

6. Your sexuality is sacred.

The expression of it. The definition of it. The way it makes you feel. Your sexuality, no matter what it looks like, is beautiful. It is yours and no one else’s.

There’s no need to compare your sexual energy to the way it is expressed by others. Just as there is no one identical human being on this planet, there is not one identical expression of sexuality.

There is also no preferred type of sexuality. It can be as subtle, as broad, as passionate, as unrefined as you would like for it to be.

And that’s just it. Be."

SO, what do you think of what Ev'yan has to say on sexuality?

What does sexuality mean to you?

How do you express your sexuality?

Remember, your sexuality, is your sexuality, is unique to you and how you identify and express it is totally up to you and is just fine (as long as it does no harm, is safe, sane and consensual).

So get out there, live your best self and embrace your sexuality, whatever it may be.

I have been missing in action for the last two Friday blogs as I have been visiting my mum for her 80th birthday in another state and accompanying my partner on a work trip up north.
But I am back and I was wondering what I would write about to cover being away, after going through many, many emails I came across this one by Ev'yan Whitney, someone who I am subscribed to, about Sensuality and I thought this worked well considering my business name.
So I am going to copy and paste what I recieved from Ev'yan as I think she put it beautifully.

"So, what exactly is sensuality?


Here's what I know:


Sensuality is the vibrancy of every moment. It's an invitation for you to open wider, to tune in closely, to be present actively.

Sensuality is connection—connection to your surroundings, connection to your body and inner rhythms, connection to what feels good.

Sensuality is instinctual primal enjoyment. When you are engaged in sensuality, you listen keenly with your senses. Time slows, inhibitions lower, and pleasure expands your body.

Without sensuality, your life would be dull, mechanical, unfeeling. And you feel deeply.

Sensuality lives in your breath, in the soles of your feet, on the tip of your tongue, and in the sacred voice of your intuition.

I believe that you don’t need to be taught how to be sensual; it is inherently within you. You only need to open to your natural capacity to feel and sense and be.

I believe that sensuality is your birthright, that moments of slowness, succulence, and inner listening are imperative for sexually liberated living.

I believe that sensuality is easily accessible, that every breath is an opportunity for you to experience the sensual and awaken fully to this gorgeous moment—even if it’s filled with busyness or chaos.

I believe that sensuality is yours for the taking. All you need to do is give yourself permission to play.

If you want to be sensual (a quick how-to):

1. Breathe—deeply, consciously.
2. Go slowly.
3. Seek pleasure wherever you are, in whatever you’re doing.
4. Open yourself to the richness of each moment.
5. Develop a relationship to the desires of your body.
6. Create a dedicated self-care practice.
7. Go inward and ask yourself what you want / need.
8. Explore your capacity to experience pleasure—in and outside the bedroom.
9. Trust your body and intuition and their ability to guide you.
10. Consciously make space for your senses to open you. . .

 . . . to this gorgeous moment, to the depths of your ability to feel, to the pleasure you know your body is capable of.

But especially: Give yourself permission to play (it doesn't have to be so serious all the time!)."

So what do you think of what Ev'yan has to say? For me sensuality is all about getting in touch with yourself, your senses, your environment and the people in your life.

I am going to practice these 10 tips......are you?

In the first few years of my relationship, my partner and I lived 2 hours from each other, we were still lucky enough to see each other in person about 2/3 days a week. I have a job which from time to time means I have to travel around the state and only this week is the first time my partner has had to travel and it was my turn to stay at home and keeps things running. This got me thinking about how we maintain our relationship over distance.
I have recently seen a facebook group for women who are in long distance relationships and the tips they are offering each other to cope while apart but to also keep the intimacy alive when being in different towns, states, and sometimes even different countries. Some see each other every few weeks, some it is months, some have not even met in person yet, let alone had the space to be physically intimate with each other. Yet their love and desire grows despite the distances between them.
Unfortunately for some people the person who they develop feelings for, but have not yet met, ends up not being who they thought they were. They fall for the idea of a person which is not reality, they may pretend to be something they are not, from saying things they did not do or do not believe to even being someone completely different….watch out for catfish. But that is not what this blog is about, this is for those who are real online and for those who have met in person and have a real time relationship but due to circumstances spend time apart.
So how do they do it?
Physical intimacy is important in a relationship but emotional intimacy is more important, it is what keeps us seeking each other out, learning about each other and sharing our deepest thoughts, it keeps the desire to ‘know’ the other alive. But there is a balance between intimacy and desire, intimacy can overcome the mystery that desire requires and this is often why people who are apart can keep the desire burning for so long…..the old saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” can also work for maintaining the erotic flame……anticipation plays an important part in desire.
For my partner and I a daily phone call or sometimes Skype session allowed us to share our thoughts and sometimes erotic play, telling each other what we wanted to do next time we were together, sharing erotic stories and even cybersex online or via Skype. Now that we live together and our time apart is infrequent, we still touch base with each other every night and morning via text, there may be suggestive images sent via text or online, we also speak to each other every day, it may be a quick call to talk about our day (especially if we have a travelling partner and are not alone) or it may be something more intimate as we are alone in our motel room.
This maintains the emotional intimacy, the sharing, the caring, the wanting to connect with each other on an emotional level and sometimes a sharing on a more physical and sexual level as well, building the intimacy for when we are together again.
Technology has certainly offered us more ways to engage with others, but even though many of us do not send love letters any more, we can still partake in similar conversations via text and online.
So if you and your love cannot be in the same space, for whatever reason, be creative, utilise the technology that is open to us to stay connected. You might be surprised at how it can relight the spark you had in those early days, by increasing anticipation and mystery.

This week has seen many people I know in a state of shock, sadness, grief, horror, fear, frustration, anger, disbelief and desolation, but what I have also seen, is sympathy, empathy, reaching out, coming together, support, alliance, perseverance and strength. People who will not succumb to stigma, discrimination, fear and intimidation, people who will not deny or change who they are because others are uncomfortable or do not like it. People who have fought and died through generations to be who they are, to love who they love, to celebrate and join together to overcome ignorance and division.

LGBTI people are not the only ones who have faced stigma and discrimination because they are a minority, those who are from a minority culture or are differently abled have also experienced discrimination for generations. And the hidden communities of those that are alternative, live on the fringe, that live diverse lifestyles such as kink or BDSM or have diverse relationships such as open or poly also experience being ‘other’ than the majority. Along with this ‘othering’ there can also be secrecy to be safe, another type of ‘being in the closet’, due to lack of understanding by the mainstream. And don’t get me started on those who may be members of several minority groups and the layers of minority stress and stigma they face.

How do LGBTI people, those who enjoy a kink life and those who have unconventional relationships overcome the prejudice of the mainstream?

How do differently abled people be seen as being sexual, let alone sexually or gender diverse?
How do LGBTI people of colour or cultural diversity be accepted in their own culture and the LGBTI community and the mainstream society?

How do we as a society move from intolerance to acceptance and finally celebration of difference and diversity?

The last week has seen people divided, laying blame on culture, faith, societal expectations, and unfortunately has seen hatred raise its ugly head, but through the outpouring of grief I have also seen people asking for understanding, kindness and love. Do not let them divide us.

Maybe you don’t love people of the same sex as you, maybe you don’t have multiple relationships, maybe your kink is different to mine……and maybe we can just all accept each other where we are at.

My hope for the future is that the terrible happenings of the past breakdown some of the barriers to celebrating diversity and that people can practice being kind to each other.

This weekend was the 55th Queen’s Ball and LGBTI awards night, the longest running LGBTI event in the world and an opportunity to get glam and celebrate everything wonderful about LGBTI people.
I have attended this event since 2010, when I won the volunteer of the year award, and I love the chance to get dressed up, hang with my mates, dance, drink, dine and have an awesome night. I also love to see the people who have done wonderful things in the community in the previous year, social and support groups, volunteers, activists, events and venues, allies and the recipient of the lifetime achievement award.
This got me thinking about the things and the ways we celebrate in our lives, birth (then the same day every year), anniversaries of relationships starting and commitments made within those relationships (engagements, ceremonies etc.), culminating in death and a celebration of the person’s life. In many cultures other points along the life journey are also celebrated, menses, manhood, puberty, whatever is important in that society. There are also special cultural celebration days  for celebrating nature and the changing of the season, special events of the past and for those who are in a minority culture in a more dominant one there are days to celebrate their ethnicity and place of origin.
When it comes to diversity of sexual orientation, gender identity or bodies, for people who identify as LGBTI or in any other way, June has been a month of celebration since the Stonewall riots in the 1960’s and the first PRIDE celebrations. This is celebrated in many countries around the world, not only in June but at other times as well, the Queen’s Ball started on the June Queen’s birthday long weekend back in 1961 and was part of the month long festivities. In the past few years the Brisbane PrIde month events have been held in September when the weather is better, but the awards and ball have remained on the same weekend, even with the Queen’s birthday long weekend moved to October the ball has stayed and only moved to the Saturday night instead of the Sunday (allowing for a recovery day).
So today my evening wear is packed away, I have recovered well from a night of festivities (more the late night than the alcohol), and I troll social media to see all the wonderful pictures of the evening. I ponder the opportunities to celebrate for my community, Transgender Day of Visibility, International Intersex Day, Pride month, and other days for individual sexual identities, like International Lesbian Day. Days that I swell with my own sense of pride in who I am and my community, days when I see others, often for the first time, seeing solidarity in their identity and celebration not only from other LGBTI people but also from our allies.
Many people don’t attend these events for whatever reasons they may have, and that is their choice. They may celebrate in other quieter ways, on a daily basis, in small groups, on their own, just by being who they are.
So no matter how you identify yourself, be proud of who you are, and celebrate yourself in whatever way works for you.

Last week I talked about some things to consider when creating your profile for online dating. In the days after I was talking about this with others and exploring how we work out what type pf person would be our perfect partner (in a dream world), the things we do and don’t want in this person and the choices we have made in the past, the types we have dated and how this has, or has not, worked for us.
Many people will talk about the ‘type’ that they are attracted to and wonder why all of their relationships have gone the same way, I often suggest looking at what are the similarities in those people and relationships that have not worked for them and to consider why they chose that type of person…….maybe it was time to reconsider the type that are attracted to.
Today I read some interesting tips about the people we choose as partners written by Bere Blissenbach, this resonated with me so and I will share it with you all:“Here are some ideas for how you can open yourself up to potential soulmate who may not be your type:

1. Become aware of the ways in which you are limiting yourself by liking a certain type only. 

Are there any common denominators between the people you generally find yourself attracted to? Are these the traits that are celebrated in your culture, such as in movies? If you find a common denominator, you could ask yourself how well it has been working for you to only date this type of person.
2.  Explore what it is about your type that hasn’t worked for you in past relationships.
Often, a great strength in some circumstances can be a limitation in another. For instance, someone who can appear like an exciting first date, such as an emotionally unavailable person, may not be reliable and stable. If you feel a strong compulsion to be in a relationship with someone before you even know them, this may be reflective of projections, unhealed emotional wounds or trauma.
3. Check your preferences by going on a date with someone who is not your type.
If you always go for the same type (and haven’t yet found the love you want), it might be time to try something new. Think of it like being in a restaurant and ordering your favourite dish which looks good to you. If it also always causes you indigestion, you might eventually decide to try something else instead.
When you go on a date with someone who is not your type, you also have the potential to learn more about yourself. It’s possible that things you thought you didn’t like in a partner you actual do like now.
4. Pay attention to the subtle qualities in someone who is not your type as these can make a big long-term difference.
Things like a kind heart, deep listening skills, emotional vulnerability or reliability aren’t necessarily the things that make our heart race at first. And yet they are the qualities that can nurture our hearts in the long term. If your date is displaying any of these subtle qualities, it can be helpful to pay attention to that.
5. Keep your eyes on the prize—a person your soul can be happy with.
It’s also important to remember that the point of this exercise is not to find someone to settle with. It’s not to convince ourselves to end up in relationship with someone whose personality goes against our nature, just because they have some redeeming qualities.”

When we continue to do the same thing and expect different results we are really just fooling ourselves, sometimes it is important to step outside the box and try new things, that include a the people we choose as partners.

This week I attended a conference to present a workshop on navigating online dating. So many connections are made online today, dating sites, websites, social media, apps like Tinder, Grinder, or Brenda. How do we navigate the profiles, are people real and how do I sell myself?
The workshop will look at creating your profile, and working out what you want from a partner and a relationship. Many of us have gone into relationships without really knowing the other person or what we want, we all have expectations but we often do not make these clear in the beginning and a few weeks, months and sometimes years in we realise that this person or relationship is not what we want or need.
So how do we write a profile? It is hard to talk about ourselves without sounding wanky, we rarely talk about our positive qualities, when asked about ourselves we are quick to talk about the negative.
So the first step in the workshop will be to write a product description about ourselves, our qualities, values, interests, likes, dislikes, looks, feelings and thoughts. Sell yourself.
Step two….write a selection criteria for your ideal partner, their looks, thoughts, feelings, values, interests and qualities. Now let’s do a traffic light process, look at the ones that are vital (green), the ones that would be nice to have but not vital (yellow), and the things that you don’t want at all in a partner (red).
Step three…..go through the same process as step two but this time write a selection criteria for your ideal relationship, how much time would you spend together would you have shared interests or friends, what things would you do together, will you live together, have a ceremony or make some kind of commitment (and what would that look like), would you be monogamous or non-monogamous (and what would that look like). And once again go through the traffic light process.
And don’t forget to consider sex throughout this, what do you like, not like, will never do, what is ok and not ok.
Having done this you are then quite sure about what you want and need in your life and less likely to, fall into a relationship with someone who is not right for you or settle for less than you deserve.
When we know who we are and what we want and need, then the world is our oyster….online and in real time…..put yourself out there and have a blast.

As my student placement comes to a close and I write my placement report for uni, I have had time to reflect on my time with a local sex therapist.

I have had the opportunity over the past few months to sit in on a few sessions and observe, to discuss a variety of cases and even to provide psychosexual education. I have also had the opportunity since promoting myself and my studies more broadly to answer questions, provide information and support to a range of people online.

So why would someone come along and see a sex therapist or even reach out for support around their sexual wellbeing? I recently came across this list of reasons and I will add some of the ones I discovered recently

1.     Seeking help with confidence and low self-esteem/self doubt2.     Self-exploration/personal “journey”

3.     Coping with past abuse/trauma (sexual, emotional, physical, etc.)

4.     Coping with sexual shame and/or guilt related to sexuality

5.     Learning sexual communication skills

6.     Help with unsatisfactory sexual response (lack of sex drive, trouble achieving orgasm, etc.)

I would also add:

1. Lack of sexual knowledge
   
2. Sexual issues beyond those mentioned in number 6. (sexual pain, lack of arousal, early, delayed or no orgasm)
   
3. Relationship issues
   
4. Confusion around sexuality or gender identity
   
5. Menopause and hormonal issues affecting sexuality
   
6. Body image issues affecting sexual expression
   
7. Sexual misconceptions
   

And I am sure over the years I will be able to add many more.

One of the important things to remember is that we do not come to sex knowing what to do, it is a learned skill. If we have not been provided with good information in a sex and body positive way then we may have a whole range of issues stem from lack of or misinformation.

Difficulties with sex or relationships cross all sexes, genders, sexualities, cultures, ages and socio-economic groups. So there is no need to be embarrassed, feel fear, shame or guilt.....we often don't know what we don't know....so do not be scared to reach out.....you are not alone.

.

 

As a sexuality educator I have understood for years the impact of hormones on our bodies during puberty, pregnancy and menopause and over the past few years working in an LGBTI organisation I have also learned from my transgender friends the positive impact of hormones on transitioning to be your true self.

The past few weeks has shown me the impact, in not such a positive way, hormones can change your mental health and the person you are. Menopause has been part of my life for the past 3 years and really I have done pretty well compared to most women.  Hot flushes were the start and they were easily controlled with low dose hormones, tho it took a bit of juggling to get the levels right and in the mean time weight gain was sudden and unexpected, this levelled out once the right level of hormones was achieved. Over the next 2 years these hormones were decreased slowly, but the fatigue and lack of libido continued. This meant more research into what are the options to feel like me again, androgens seem to be the answer. A trial of HRT that included androgens with oestrogen and progesterone saw a slight improvement, but it was then suggested to go off all HRT (as I was barely on any) and let my natural androgens rise.....6 months later ....no difference.

So after doing more research I discovered an androgen cream for women, other women I spoke to had great things to say but it was hard to fins someone to prescribe it. Off to the gyno and this is when things went awry....."lets try hormone patches" was the answer, you absorb more hormones from them than tablets and no testosterone for women until you try this.....ok....

Well 24 hrs after the first patch and a stranger appeared, a woman who cried all the time, not just silent tears but heaving sobs, over any little thing. Any comment ever so simple or even caring would elicit tears, yes I had become more sensitive and even cried at movies over the years but this was ridiculous.

It took a couple of patches before I saw the pattern, my poor partner was not sure of who this person was...and it brought back memories of 15 years ago when I was prescribed an oestrogen cream and I did not need it...mood swings, tears and wondering who was this person I had become. Off to the GP and told to remove the patch and get back to the gyno....it took about 4 days to start to feel like myself again....now to go back and insist on the androgen cream and see how we go.

The moral of this story?

Hormones can have an amazing effect on us, both positive and in some cases negative....anyone who remembers puberty, pregnancy or PMS will understand....if you are suddenly feeling a bit like some other person....get them checked.

Hormones effect our skin, our bodies, our libido, our minds, our emotions....they can support our journey to our truth, as they do for transgender people or they can bring us to the depths of despair......do not underestimate their power to make us feel terrible or wonderful.

This hormonal journey continues..............

What is misgendering you may ask…..it is when a person is spoken about as ‘he’ or ‘she’ and that is not the gender the person identifies with. Last week’s blog was about the opportunity that celebrities who played with gender gave us to learn and celebrate diversity of gender expression, this week will be about the issues that arise and the damage done when a person is misgendered. The reason I am following on with this topic is due to something that happened this week, and happens every day around the world, to someone I know.
Let me tell you a story….a cis woman with short hair and wearing their regular work Hi Vis uniform enters the women’s toilet (let’s call her woman 1)…..enter stage right another woman (woman 2), confronts woman 1 and tells her the men’s toilet is around the corner.
Woman 1 is a little surprised and lets woman 2 know that she is also a woman, she has a feminine voice and noticeable breasts. This does not seem to register with woman 2 who then calls security.
There were other women also present in the toilets at this time……woman 3 and 4…..who defend woman 1 and suggest that woman 2 is mistaken.
Security arrive and supports woman 1, with the backup of woman 3 and 4, and eventually asks woman 2 to leave, apologising to woman 1.
So this leads to the questions of:
What was woman 2 so scared of that she had to call security?
Why did woman 2 not back down after being told that woman 1 was indeed a woman?
Why did woman 2 still not back down after woman 1 was supported by woman 3 and 4 and security?
And why did woman 2 not apologise and insist against all evidence that woman 1 was indeed a man?
Now this story was about a cis woman who had a masculine presentation, she did not fit what woman 2 perceived to be her ideal of how a woman should look, this was disturbing enough now imagine how difficult this must be for a trans person.
Some people have unrealistic ideals of how men and women should look, some trans people meet these other people’s ideals and others do not, why should anyone be called out for not being ‘male’ or ‘female’ enough, who writes the rules and who enforces them?
Misgendering a person, cis or trans, is rude, it shows the person who is doing the misgendering narrow view on gender and expression and says so much more about them than it does about the person they are misgendering.
So if you see a person who does not fit your ideal of masculine or feminine, man or woman, male or female…..move along….it is none of your business