So apparently today 8th of the 8th is a special day for intentions setting and after watching some interesting things happening in people's relationships I think that it might be a good day to set intentions for the relationship you currently have, or if single, are looking to have in the future.
Take some time today to consider what you want and need on your relationships, maybe write it down, think about the positive things you need and in your mind see it as a reality.
Now as I said I have seen some interesting things about relationships over the past few weeks, from single people putting themselves out there, or bemoaning their lack of a relationship to seemingly committed couples ending theirs, both a year long to over 5 years together and then to the on again off again couples, who every time they break up you quietly think "about time and is it really for good this time" and every time they get back together you think "here we go again I wonder how long it is going to last this time".
I would like to look at the last type first,what I like to call the 'merry go round' relationship, we have all seen them and possibly even been in one of them. When it is on it is full on, all over social media, very over the top and when it is off it is there for all to see, it is nasty and often we hear from one or the other participant " That's it I am never going back". So what is it that keeps these people on the merry go round, there can be a range of things: scared of being alone, their own self worth is bound up in being in a relationship they have low self esteem and think no one else will have them or they dont deserve to be treated better, they are addicted to the drama, they are addicted to the passion of when it is on, they may not have healthy conflict skills, they have an unhealthy view of what a relationships is like and sometimes it is a case of 'better the devil you know". Now none of this is healthy but it is a very difficult cycle to break, sometimes very similar to the cycle of abuse. Often counselling is required for the people involved to work out why they do this 'on again, off again" behaviour and to move towards a healthier way to interact.
What I have observed recently in the committed relationships that have ended, is that one person is pulling away and when questioned is not willing to engage in the work required to fix any problems, they are already done. They have often pulled away and the other partner has sensed this and it comes to a conversation about what is going on. Sometimes it is about growing apart over time rather than growing together and other times it is that the relationships was not what one person was expecting and now they want out, they may still love the other person but am not sure how to end it, so they pull away, maybe have an affair or do something that they know their partner would not like to bring things to a head. What can be done in this situation? Communication through out the whole relationship is essential, knowing yourself and what you need and want in a partner and a relationship is also important. Being able to discuss where you are at and what you want and need before the relationship starts enables both people to know if this is what they want, and continuing to do so throughout the relationship allows them to work through any differences as they arise.
And finally the first point I made, those single people who are wanting a relationship. I have seen a lot of people putting themselves out there in a way that is actually very off putting. Social media posts such as "Am I ever going to find a partner?", "Would anyone want me?", "Why is it so hard to find someone sane, honest, loyal...etc?". Posts like these have an air of desperation, neediness and attention seeking which can be very unappealing. Other people put them selves out there by having fun, meeting new people, making new friends and not putting any pressure on themselves to find a partner....this can be very attractive, independent, fun loving and living life.....I know which I would be drawn to.
Relationships require work, communication, negotiation and finding a compromise that suits everyone, but they should not be constant hard work....when it is right it will work on many levels and things will be discussed and worked on together as a team.....a relationship is several entities, all of those involved and the relationship itself.
For more information and posts about relationships, check out Love Is...Respectful Relationships on Facebook
Richelle has had a passion for sexuality and sexual health since 2001. She has worked in the field since 2006, providing sexuality education in schools, and adult education in the topics of diverse sexualities and gender identities, LGBT health issues, sexual health and LGBT relationships.
This is a space for me to share with you my journey as a Sexologist, the things I learn and the people I meet and what I think and feel along the way.